alth
Forum Newbie
Don't say you love me unless you really mean it.Because I might do something crazy like believing it
Posts: 9
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Waiting
Apr 7, 2007 14:39:04 GMT -5
Post by alth on Apr 7, 2007 14:39:04 GMT -5
Waiting Standing in the drizzle. My sight was as blurred as my mind.
There was nobody. Loneliness had osmosis into every inch of my skin. I was shivering... I was scared.
I ran... I shouted... There was no one i could see and hear. I fell down badly... But I couldn't feel any. Cause my heart was much more painful. It was so pained... pained with the emptiness... pained with the hopelessness.
I cried for help... my tears had dried-up though. I was just lying there dreadfully... Waiting for You... Waiting to see the sun... Waiting to feel that I'm really yours...
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Waiting
Apr 7, 2007 14:44:02 GMT -5
Post by StoriesThatNeverWere on Apr 7, 2007 14:44:02 GMT -5
Very nice poem, alth. (And welcome to the site.)
I noticed a few minor errors, such as My sight was as blur as my mind and It was so pain . Otherwise, nicely done.
~Song
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alth
Forum Newbie
Don't say you love me unless you really mean it.Because I might do something crazy like believing it
Posts: 9
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Waiting
Apr 7, 2007 14:53:33 GMT -5
Post by alth on Apr 7, 2007 14:53:33 GMT -5
Thank you so much...Im still a 'Newbie' here and kind a lost. =)
By the way, what are the better words to correct the errors?
I need your suggestion if you don't mind. Thanks =)
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Waiting
Apr 7, 2007 18:02:54 GMT -5
Post by Wyvernwings on Apr 7, 2007 18:02:54 GMT -5
I dont know if you're suppose to correct during a contest. *Looks blankly for M or Lady* I'm as clueless as you there.
As for better words *for latter perhaps?* 'As blurred' 'It was so pained' you'll fined all sorts of things are easly fixed by dropping it into the prederate. Where you have to be 'in pain' in the past you can simply be 'pained'. Other than that the onlything that sticks out is that one i... I have issues with i's... they bug me. Haha! It needs to be capitalized!
I liked it! It's very good and if I had to place a bet I'd say it will probbably place well!
Wyve
PS: Welcome!
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alth
Forum Newbie
Don't say you love me unless you really mean it.Because I might do something crazy like believing it
Posts: 9
|
Waiting
Apr 7, 2007 21:47:14 GMT -5
Post by alth on Apr 7, 2007 21:47:14 GMT -5
Im so sorry. I have forgotten that im in the contest!
Thanks Wyve! For the correction and compliment. =)
It is nice to get good comments at the beginning. Thank you!
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Waiting
Apr 9, 2007 18:00:21 GMT -5
Post by Lady Mage on Apr 9, 2007 18:00:21 GMT -5
Hey Alth! I think I recognize your picture as one my friend has on her Multiply. Would that be you? I'm glad to have you on the site! It makes me very happy to get to know you better... the songs on your site were great!
I go by Mage, or Lady Mage here, but you can call me Virginia (my Christian name) if you wish.
And nice poem by the way!
Love, mage
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Waiting
Apr 10, 2007 12:18:09 GMT -5
Post by Dreamer on Apr 10, 2007 12:18:09 GMT -5
Very well done!!! I enjoyed it and it paints such a battle in my mind.... the struggle to be loved by someone who really doesn't... I dk, maybe that's just me but that's what I got! And WELCOME TO THE FAMILY!!!!!!! ~Anna Christie~
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