Post by Anime Monster on Nov 6, 2005 22:13:04 GMT -5
Disclaimer: If I owned it than this abomination of a story wouldn't see the light of day.
Warning: Crack, lots and lots of crack.
Author's Note: This is not supposed to be offending, but it will probably offend someone.
Summary: Sporks, insanity, and Mexican food combine in this messed up tell of the final battle that never was ^_^ Some slash for humor
Rating: PG-13 (though it should be R for retard).
"It was just a quiet day at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. Suddenly, Albus Dumbledore, the esteemed headmaster of the school, ran down the hall in a pink tutu sing "I Fell Pretty" from West Side Story. Surprisingly, no one batted an eye at the insanity of an 150 year old man sing, "I feel happy and witty and GAY!" of course, the fact that things like this happened almost daily at Hogwarts had nothing to do with it," Harry was just staring off into space talking to himself as the headmaster did everything he said.
"HARRY!"
"Harry turned to Ron and said, 'What?'" Harry said.
"Stop narrating life! It's really creeping us out."
"Ron and Hermione said together. Harry looked at them strangely and said, 'What are you talking about?'" Harry said. "Suddenly he had a strange urge to dance from the battlements singing love songs while envisioning Lucius Malfoy in a thong. Ron got this disgusted look on his face which was nothing compared to the look Draco Malfoy got on his face when he shouted,"
"YOU'RE INSANE, POTTER!"
"'No, I'm not,' Harry replied to the weird blond wondering what sat him off."
"For once I agree with, Malfoy,"
"Ron and Hermione said together."
"YOU ARE INSANE!"
"Ron, Draco, and Hermione said together. Harry looked at them questioningly and asked, 'Why do you say that?'"
Meanwhile
"M-m-m-m-good-my lord," Peter Pettigrew stuttered as he fell to his knees in front of the Dark Lord Voldemort.
"I want Mexican food, Wormtail. Get it for me or it will mean a hundred crucios. I'm trusting you with this very valuable mission, Wormtail, DO NOT FAIL ME!" Voldemort screamed.
"Y-y-y-e-e-e-s-s-s m-m-m-y-y-y l-l-l-o-o-o-r-r-r-d-d-d," Wormtail stuttered as he hastily made his way out of the throne *cough*drawing*cough* room of Slytherin *cough*Riddle*cough* manor. Making his way down to the apparition point Wormtail vaguely wondered how he was going to do this mission of such importance...
Meanwhile back at Hogwarts
It was dinner time and luckily for everyone, Harry Potter had stop narrating everything going on around him or in his mind. Hermione was looking at him strange, as were Draco Malfoy and Ronald Weasely as he hummed happily under his breath while buttering a roll. Surprisingly Draco was sitting at the Gryffindor table having gotten sucked in to the resent insanity when Harry had basically admitted to wanting to shag his father, the thought of which utterly disgusted him.
"Um...Harry..." Ron said, but was cut off by Harry.
"Ron is a rod, with a long Ron," Harry said, sing songingly. Everyone looked at him and Ron, scooted away.
"Ah...Harry..." Hermione tried.
"Hermione the Hermit always was a barmy," Harry sang while rocking side to side to an imaginary melody.
"Potter!" Draco tried.
"Draco the loco really wants to go-go," Harry said, the hall swept into silence.
At the staff table Severus Snape and Minerva McGonagall were attempting to make Dumbledore's robes stay down and to keep his underwear off his head as the old headmaster ate the mashed beans that he had made.
Meanwhile
Wormtail reached Mexico through apparition. Voldemort had asked for Mexican food, that means he wanted it from Mexico, or at least in Wormtail's mind it did.
"Two of everything on your menu," Wormtail said to the scruffy, sweaty, fat Mexican who ran the restaurant.
"No speak the engless," the man said, his accent very thick.
"No hablo, ingleis?" Wormtail complained.
"Si, senor," the Mexican said.
Wormtail grabbed the paper menu and pointed to each item saying, "Dos."
The Mexican man looked at him shocked. "Si! Si!" He turned back to the men behind the counter and something indiscernible in rapid fire Spanish before turning to Wormtail and writing a number with the word pesos next to it on the back of the menu. Nodding Wormtail began sorting through his pockets as everything was brought out in to-go bags.
As the last bag was placed on the counter Wormtail pulled out his wand and said, "Avada Kedavra," until everyone in the restaurant was dead. Gathering the food he shrunk it and went out side shooting the Dark Mark into the air above the restaurant and lighting it on fire. He apparited away just as the Muggles got there.
Slytherin *cough*Riddle*cough* Manor
Wormtail reappeared with the food. Onions, peppers, and beans wafted through the manor, scaring the few death eaters inside away. "M-m-m-a-a-a-s-s-s-t-t-t-e-e-e-r-r-r I-i-i g-g-g-o-o-o-t-t-t t-t-t-h-h-h-e-e-e f-f-f-o-o-o-o-o-o-d-d-d y-y-y-o-o-o-u-u-u a-a-a-s-s-s-k-k-k-e-e-e-d-d-d f-f-f-o-o-o-r-r-r," he said holding out the bags.
Voldemort smiled evilly and opened the bags beginning to eat, every once in awhile he'd through a piece of food to Wormtail who ate it like a dog.
Meanwhile at Hogwarts
Supper was over without much incident, if you don't count Harry Potter reciting Shakespearian sonnets when Lucius Malfoy came in to do whatever it is that he does.
Lucius Malfoy was attempting to pry a love struck boy-who-lived, who had stopped the sing-songing, off of him. Muttering that he was the only sane person in the insane asylum he walked up to Dumbledore, the teen attached to his leg and purring as he rubbed his face against the older man's thigh, "Albus, I have news."
"Lemon drop?" Dumbledore asked as he ate one, Lucius shook his head.
"The dark lord is eating Mexican food," Lucius said.
Severus and Minerva froze as the headmaster hummed. Minerva pointed her wand at several pens and changed them into gas masks which she passed out to everyone, forcing one on Harry's head.
Meanwhile...you know I'm really tired of this word...at Slytheriddle manor
Voldemort finished his Mexican food and placed all the little sporks the restaurant had included on the floor. With a wave of his wand the sporks lept to life using the same charm that Flintwick taught to make pineapples tap dance.
"NOW MY ARMY, WE WILL TAKE HOGWARTS BY STORM!"
The army marched forward and suddenly appeared at Hogwarts...cut scene.
The castle looked at Voldemort and used it's towers as arms, lifted it's walls like a skirt and ran shrieking, leaving Dumbledore behind.
Wormtail, the only death eater, Voldemort, the sporks, and Dumbledore blinked at each other before the sound of two large farts ripped the air.
Wormtail died instantly with a disgusted look on his face, his lungs, it was reveled later, suffocated under the stench.
Voldemort died a minute after Wormtail after being tortured by the lemon drop flavored smell from the old headmaster. His soul decided an eternity in hell would be a welcome reward compared to the smell, unfortunately his hell was to make lemon drops for all time.
Dumbledore died of unknown causes after Voldemort. It is believed he chocked on his own (or perhaps Voldemort's) stench. He is happily annoying god with his insanity.
Minerva McGonagall became the new headmistress *cough*master*cough* of Hogwarts and surprised everyone by reveling that she was in fact really a man, not that they were truly surprised given her mannish qualities.
Severus Snape happily became the new deputy headmaster and Transfiguration Professor. It is rumored that he has a major crush on Minerva.
Lucius Malfoy became the new Potions Professor taking over for Severus. The students say they like him more than Snape.
Harry Potter eventually convinced *cough*imerioed*cough* Lucius into marrying him and his happily teaching Defense Against the Dark Arts while having Lucius wrapped around his pinky finger.
Hermione Granger became a stripper and it is rumored that she gives lap dances for a hundred pounds a dance.
Ronald Weasely married his long time sweetheart and is currently training to become the Chudly Cannon's new keeper, outlooks on the team are actually looking higher and it is predicted that they'll break their losing streak.
Draco Malfoy married Ronald Weasely, his long time sweetheart, and became Draco Weasely. He lives a happy life with his fifteen children in Manchester.
The End...finally
Warning: Crack, lots and lots of crack.
Author's Note: This is not supposed to be offending, but it will probably offend someone.
Summary: Sporks, insanity, and Mexican food combine in this messed up tell of the final battle that never was ^_^ Some slash for humor
Rating: PG-13 (though it should be R for retard).
Cracking up
____________________________________________
"Not at all, I think masturbation is very healthy."
--Not Another Teen Movie
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"Not at all, I think masturbation is very healthy."
--Not Another Teen Movie
____________________________________________
"It was just a quiet day at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. Suddenly, Albus Dumbledore, the esteemed headmaster of the school, ran down the hall in a pink tutu sing "I Fell Pretty" from West Side Story. Surprisingly, no one batted an eye at the insanity of an 150 year old man sing, "I feel happy and witty and GAY!" of course, the fact that things like this happened almost daily at Hogwarts had nothing to do with it," Harry was just staring off into space talking to himself as the headmaster did everything he said.
"HARRY!"
"Harry turned to Ron and said, 'What?'" Harry said.
"Stop narrating life! It's really creeping us out."
"Ron and Hermione said together. Harry looked at them strangely and said, 'What are you talking about?'" Harry said. "Suddenly he had a strange urge to dance from the battlements singing love songs while envisioning Lucius Malfoy in a thong. Ron got this disgusted look on his face which was nothing compared to the look Draco Malfoy got on his face when he shouted,"
"YOU'RE INSANE, POTTER!"
"'No, I'm not,' Harry replied to the weird blond wondering what sat him off."
"For once I agree with, Malfoy,"
"Ron and Hermione said together."
"YOU ARE INSANE!"
"Ron, Draco, and Hermione said together. Harry looked at them questioningly and asked, 'Why do you say that?'"
Meanwhile
"M-m-m-m-good-my lord," Peter Pettigrew stuttered as he fell to his knees in front of the Dark Lord Voldemort.
"I want Mexican food, Wormtail. Get it for me or it will mean a hundred crucios. I'm trusting you with this very valuable mission, Wormtail, DO NOT FAIL ME!" Voldemort screamed.
"Y-y-y-e-e-e-s-s-s m-m-m-y-y-y l-l-l-o-o-o-r-r-r-d-d-d," Wormtail stuttered as he hastily made his way out of the throne *cough*drawing*cough* room of Slytherin *cough*Riddle*cough* manor. Making his way down to the apparition point Wormtail vaguely wondered how he was going to do this mission of such importance...
Meanwhile back at Hogwarts
It was dinner time and luckily for everyone, Harry Potter had stop narrating everything going on around him or in his mind. Hermione was looking at him strange, as were Draco Malfoy and Ronald Weasely as he hummed happily under his breath while buttering a roll. Surprisingly Draco was sitting at the Gryffindor table having gotten sucked in to the resent insanity when Harry had basically admitted to wanting to shag his father, the thought of which utterly disgusted him.
"Um...Harry..." Ron said, but was cut off by Harry.
"Ron is a rod, with a long Ron," Harry said, sing songingly. Everyone looked at him and Ron, scooted away.
"Ah...Harry..." Hermione tried.
"Hermione the Hermit always was a barmy," Harry sang while rocking side to side to an imaginary melody.
"Potter!" Draco tried.
"Draco the loco really wants to go-go," Harry said, the hall swept into silence.
At the staff table Severus Snape and Minerva McGonagall were attempting to make Dumbledore's robes stay down and to keep his underwear off his head as the old headmaster ate the mashed beans that he had made.
Meanwhile
Wormtail reached Mexico through apparition. Voldemort had asked for Mexican food, that means he wanted it from Mexico, or at least in Wormtail's mind it did.
"Two of everything on your menu," Wormtail said to the scruffy, sweaty, fat Mexican who ran the restaurant.
"No speak the engless," the man said, his accent very thick.
"No hablo, ingleis?" Wormtail complained.
"Si, senor," the Mexican said.
Wormtail grabbed the paper menu and pointed to each item saying, "Dos."
The Mexican man looked at him shocked. "Si! Si!" He turned back to the men behind the counter and something indiscernible in rapid fire Spanish before turning to Wormtail and writing a number with the word pesos next to it on the back of the menu. Nodding Wormtail began sorting through his pockets as everything was brought out in to-go bags.
As the last bag was placed on the counter Wormtail pulled out his wand and said, "Avada Kedavra," until everyone in the restaurant was dead. Gathering the food he shrunk it and went out side shooting the Dark Mark into the air above the restaurant and lighting it on fire. He apparited away just as the Muggles got there.
Slytherin *cough*Riddle*cough* Manor
Wormtail reappeared with the food. Onions, peppers, and beans wafted through the manor, scaring the few death eaters inside away. "M-m-m-a-a-a-s-s-s-t-t-t-e-e-e-r-r-r I-i-i g-g-g-o-o-o-t-t-t t-t-t-h-h-h-e-e-e f-f-f-o-o-o-o-o-o-d-d-d y-y-y-o-o-o-u-u-u a-a-a-s-s-s-k-k-k-e-e-e-d-d-d f-f-f-o-o-o-r-r-r," he said holding out the bags.
Voldemort smiled evilly and opened the bags beginning to eat, every once in awhile he'd through a piece of food to Wormtail who ate it like a dog.
Meanwhile at Hogwarts
Supper was over without much incident, if you don't count Harry Potter reciting Shakespearian sonnets when Lucius Malfoy came in to do whatever it is that he does.
Lucius Malfoy was attempting to pry a love struck boy-who-lived, who had stopped the sing-songing, off of him. Muttering that he was the only sane person in the insane asylum he walked up to Dumbledore, the teen attached to his leg and purring as he rubbed his face against the older man's thigh, "Albus, I have news."
"Lemon drop?" Dumbledore asked as he ate one, Lucius shook his head.
"The dark lord is eating Mexican food," Lucius said.
Severus and Minerva froze as the headmaster hummed. Minerva pointed her wand at several pens and changed them into gas masks which she passed out to everyone, forcing one on Harry's head.
Meanwhile...you know I'm really tired of this word...at Slytheriddle manor
Voldemort finished his Mexican food and placed all the little sporks the restaurant had included on the floor. With a wave of his wand the sporks lept to life using the same charm that Flintwick taught to make pineapples tap dance.
"NOW MY ARMY, WE WILL TAKE HOGWARTS BY STORM!"
The army marched forward and suddenly appeared at Hogwarts...cut scene.
The castle looked at Voldemort and used it's towers as arms, lifted it's walls like a skirt and ran shrieking, leaving Dumbledore behind.
Wormtail, the only death eater, Voldemort, the sporks, and Dumbledore blinked at each other before the sound of two large farts ripped the air.
Wormtail died instantly with a disgusted look on his face, his lungs, it was reveled later, suffocated under the stench.
Voldemort died a minute after Wormtail after being tortured by the lemon drop flavored smell from the old headmaster. His soul decided an eternity in hell would be a welcome reward compared to the smell, unfortunately his hell was to make lemon drops for all time.
Dumbledore died of unknown causes after Voldemort. It is believed he chocked on his own (or perhaps Voldemort's) stench. He is happily annoying god with his insanity.
Minerva McGonagall became the new headmistress *cough*master*cough* of Hogwarts and surprised everyone by reveling that she was in fact really a man, not that they were truly surprised given her mannish qualities.
Severus Snape happily became the new deputy headmaster and Transfiguration Professor. It is rumored that he has a major crush on Minerva.
Lucius Malfoy became the new Potions Professor taking over for Severus. The students say they like him more than Snape.
Harry Potter eventually convinced *cough*imerioed*cough* Lucius into marrying him and his happily teaching Defense Against the Dark Arts while having Lucius wrapped around his pinky finger.
Hermione Granger became a stripper and it is rumored that she gives lap dances for a hundred pounds a dance.
Ronald Weasely married his long time sweetheart and is currently training to become the Chudly Cannon's new keeper, outlooks on the team are actually looking higher and it is predicted that they'll break their losing streak.
Draco Malfoy married Ronald Weasely, his long time sweetheart, and became Draco Weasely. He lives a happy life with his fifteen children in Manchester.
The End...finally