Post by gunk on Apr 8, 2006 18:54:34 GMT -5
This piece is rather philosophical and wordy, that being said it isn't anything that will go over anyone's heads, it's just a little depressing in the beginning. Hope you enjoy it and tell me if you figure out who it is before you reach the end!
Summary: With strange thoughts about life and the world at large, there is only one question that matters the most : who am I?
Rating: k+
A Journey of Self-discovery
I sit here often, just staring at the sky. The sky has always interested me, especially at night. The way the stars hang in the sky, like dewdrops on an intricately woven web before the sun dries them out. Like diamonds scattered haphazardly on black velvet. The way the moon watches over the earth, hovering protectively close in constant vigilance, shining with an ethereal glow almost motherly in its own affectionate way. I often daydream about what it would be like, to have someone watch over me in such a loving way, yet I know that sort of life is not for me.
I am a worker; I work hard for the good of my family. My family is rather large, so to make an impact I have to work extra hard. I work mainly in the fields, harvesting crops and gathering food and other essentials. It’s hard slaving away in the sun, which burns persistently at your back like the ocean eats away at the shore. Never giving up, never resting. It stays that way until you stop for a rest, which you get infrequently and randomly. If everyone were to stop, the entire economy would collapse, causing a great depression, the likes of which have never been seen. So instead of complaining uselessly, I take what I get and make the most of it.
Most days that seems nearly impossible and there are days when I just don’t want to wake up. Then I think of those that I love, those closest to me, and I find the only thing that will ever get me through the day. I find a purpose. Even though I find that purpose in the morning, I can never seem to hold on to it. A rather circular, futile road I am travelling. A smart person once said, roads are for the journey, not the destination. Yet all I feel is lost. I cannot keep a purpose in my life and I am slowly losing my grip on who I think I am. Not as what other people perceive me, but what I perceive myself as. I lack the clarity that others seem to have and I can no longer go on pretending that everything is alright. I cannot just follow directions any longer; I feel the need to branch out on my own.
Yet, again, I know that is not the life for me. I am part of a greater picture, a part of something bigger than just me. Pulling out now would be like kicking the legs out from under that project. I would not only affect myself, I would also let other people down as well and that is something that I just cannot do. So I am left with a catch 22 situation. Everything I do has a negative impact on someone.
So the question is, can I put my emotional welfare above that of everyone else’s?
The answer to this is a hard one, both to reach and to accept. As I’ve said before, clarity eludes me. I am unable to ascertain an overall picture; I am unable to step back from my life so as to gain an impartial opinion of what I should do. Life seems to be rushing past me, yet urging me ever on. Perhaps it is the flow of time that facilitates this action. Time has always seemed like a gushing river to me. Ever flowing, going at one pace, changing things it comes across, leaving no stone unturned, nothing unchanged. Yet the river only ever goes in one direction. It never changes to go back the other way. It does what it will, takes whatever it wants along with it and surges onward. I feel swept away, like the moment I was born my feet were swept out from under me and I was dragged along for the ride. There is only one probable ending for this. Yet even then, there are doubts as to what will happen. Ever a mystery…
Back to my answer… it all happened in the strangest of ways. My epiphany happened, not in a spectacular exhibit of knowledge and wisdom, but in the simplest of ways. Clarity. What is clarity? I always thought of clarity as clearness. Instead, I overlooked one of the most blatant meanings of the word. Simplicity. Clarity is simplicity. All this time I had been asking questions so complex, so soul-searching, that the answer I was seeking was lost to me. Who am I? I am who I choose to be. I am my actions and my thoughts. Others perceive me, as they will, but me? I am whoever I want to be. And life? Life is a gift. Living is what needs to be achieved, and the only way to live is to make the best of what you have.
This epiphany came to me and I thought it over. Thought can be a very productive thing, yet over-thinking things can prove to be destructive. Whilst analysing my discovery I came to the conclusion that it was too easy. Therefore, it was wrong. I went back to being a mindless worker, I supported the colony and I went through the motions of life.
But I did manage to find out who I am. Bet you want to know, eh? Fine I’ll tell you…
I am an ant, a so-called 'mindless drone'. Yet, perhaps, my story has changed your view of my kind; and maybe, just maybe, I am not as mindless as you think.
Summary: With strange thoughts about life and the world at large, there is only one question that matters the most : who am I?
Rating: k+
A Journey of Self-discovery
I sit here often, just staring at the sky. The sky has always interested me, especially at night. The way the stars hang in the sky, like dewdrops on an intricately woven web before the sun dries them out. Like diamonds scattered haphazardly on black velvet. The way the moon watches over the earth, hovering protectively close in constant vigilance, shining with an ethereal glow almost motherly in its own affectionate way. I often daydream about what it would be like, to have someone watch over me in such a loving way, yet I know that sort of life is not for me.
I am a worker; I work hard for the good of my family. My family is rather large, so to make an impact I have to work extra hard. I work mainly in the fields, harvesting crops and gathering food and other essentials. It’s hard slaving away in the sun, which burns persistently at your back like the ocean eats away at the shore. Never giving up, never resting. It stays that way until you stop for a rest, which you get infrequently and randomly. If everyone were to stop, the entire economy would collapse, causing a great depression, the likes of which have never been seen. So instead of complaining uselessly, I take what I get and make the most of it.
Most days that seems nearly impossible and there are days when I just don’t want to wake up. Then I think of those that I love, those closest to me, and I find the only thing that will ever get me through the day. I find a purpose. Even though I find that purpose in the morning, I can never seem to hold on to it. A rather circular, futile road I am travelling. A smart person once said, roads are for the journey, not the destination. Yet all I feel is lost. I cannot keep a purpose in my life and I am slowly losing my grip on who I think I am. Not as what other people perceive me, but what I perceive myself as. I lack the clarity that others seem to have and I can no longer go on pretending that everything is alright. I cannot just follow directions any longer; I feel the need to branch out on my own.
Yet, again, I know that is not the life for me. I am part of a greater picture, a part of something bigger than just me. Pulling out now would be like kicking the legs out from under that project. I would not only affect myself, I would also let other people down as well and that is something that I just cannot do. So I am left with a catch 22 situation. Everything I do has a negative impact on someone.
So the question is, can I put my emotional welfare above that of everyone else’s?
The answer to this is a hard one, both to reach and to accept. As I’ve said before, clarity eludes me. I am unable to ascertain an overall picture; I am unable to step back from my life so as to gain an impartial opinion of what I should do. Life seems to be rushing past me, yet urging me ever on. Perhaps it is the flow of time that facilitates this action. Time has always seemed like a gushing river to me. Ever flowing, going at one pace, changing things it comes across, leaving no stone unturned, nothing unchanged. Yet the river only ever goes in one direction. It never changes to go back the other way. It does what it will, takes whatever it wants along with it and surges onward. I feel swept away, like the moment I was born my feet were swept out from under me and I was dragged along for the ride. There is only one probable ending for this. Yet even then, there are doubts as to what will happen. Ever a mystery…
Back to my answer… it all happened in the strangest of ways. My epiphany happened, not in a spectacular exhibit of knowledge and wisdom, but in the simplest of ways. Clarity. What is clarity? I always thought of clarity as clearness. Instead, I overlooked one of the most blatant meanings of the word. Simplicity. Clarity is simplicity. All this time I had been asking questions so complex, so soul-searching, that the answer I was seeking was lost to me. Who am I? I am who I choose to be. I am my actions and my thoughts. Others perceive me, as they will, but me? I am whoever I want to be. And life? Life is a gift. Living is what needs to be achieved, and the only way to live is to make the best of what you have.
This epiphany came to me and I thought it over. Thought can be a very productive thing, yet over-thinking things can prove to be destructive. Whilst analysing my discovery I came to the conclusion that it was too easy. Therefore, it was wrong. I went back to being a mindless worker, I supported the colony and I went through the motions of life.
But I did manage to find out who I am. Bet you want to know, eh? Fine I’ll tell you…
I am an ant, a so-called 'mindless drone'. Yet, perhaps, my story has changed your view of my kind; and maybe, just maybe, I am not as mindless as you think.