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Memento
Aug 22, 2008 1:15:23 GMT -5
Post by kapziel on Aug 22, 2008 1:15:23 GMT -5
“Memento”
Intentional fetters, chaining me to a ghost of you- I’ve learned to appreciate the restlessness of a river, the breeze breeding ripples on a lake’s texture, leaves drifting against cement sounding like brittle footsteps, a shudder of inspiration from a strand of your hair remaining on the collar of a shirt I haven’t washed, fishing jumping out of water, a dream of flight- a way of feeling your presence in everything that’s beautiful.
The horizon itself seems unreachable, and in time, even more so, and the greyest days can’t compare to my outstretched hand grasping for what’s left of you, and hoping you’ll leave behind something tangible
I’m trying to catch jigsaw pieces as they fall apart, and finding them again in the almost infinite piles of broken shards, glass and fragments of former lives and loves and there’s nothing, nothing like the desperation of holding a bird in your hand, and she wants her freedom, and you want her happiness, and it’s only one or the other.
NOTE: A very recent poem, minor revisions (concerning the second stanza) and a few changes in line breaks from the original. Any feedback or criticism is appreciated.
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Memento
Aug 22, 2008 19:16:00 GMT -5
Post by Lady Idril on Aug 22, 2008 19:16:00 GMT -5
I never offer criticism because I can never seem to find need of it in any work other than my own. This is really an exquisite piece. I feel like it evokes very stunning emotions, and it flows beautifully. I'm quite enchanted!
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Memento
Aug 22, 2008 22:45:11 GMT -5
Post by kapziel on Aug 22, 2008 22:45:11 GMT -5
Thank you very much, Idril. Your praise is appreciated~
I'm still sort of iffy about the second stanza. It flows well with the third, but it seems both the second and third make this extreme switch in tone from the first. The first stanza seems sentimental, loaded with imagery and the last few lines exemplify my acknowledgment to beauty and it's tie-in with whom the poem is written for. The second and third stanza, however, switches to an angst/hopeless sort of tone.
However, if you believe it flows well and sounds good, then I believe my work is done, lol.
Hurray for excessive introspection!
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Memento
Aug 23, 2008 13:33:39 GMT -5
Post by Ark on Aug 23, 2008 13:33:39 GMT -5
Well Carl I think its obvious why the sudden shift to a more depressed tone would bother you, but that's not business for the net; I still adore the amount of emotion you manage to saturate this piece with.
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