me
Forum Newbie
Yeah Hikaru and Kaoru!
Posts: 48
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Half
Mar 5, 2006 9:48:33 GMT -5
Post by me on Mar 5, 2006 9:48:33 GMT -5
yeah thats great thank you so much M. I've got to finish chapter 4 cos its only half written... it shouldn't take to long.
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Half
Mar 6, 2006 6:24:02 GMT -5
Post by Meluivan Indil on Mar 6, 2006 6:24:02 GMT -5
Allright edited through Chapter 3 me. Let me know if you see anything wrong. I did this at 4 in the morning before I had coffee, so there could be some slip ups.
The main mistakes I saw that you made were using commas where you should have had periods. Not using transitional words such as and, but, which, because, etc, etc. And switching back and forth between present and past tense. Honestly I didn't see hardly any actual spelling mistakes. You are a very good speller. But anyway I did what I could.
Now on to what you really want to hear. That last chapter was awesome. The little angels begging to keep him was just so cute, and no matter what Kio says, he wants him. I can't wait to see more tension between the two of them.
M.
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me
Forum Newbie
Yeah Hikaru and Kaoru!
Posts: 48
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Half
Mar 6, 2006 14:38:38 GMT -5
Post by me on Mar 6, 2006 14:38:38 GMT -5
yeah i have a habit of changing tense its my biggest writing crime.
Chapter 4
Well this was surreal. I was sitting at a breakfast table surrounding by Angels. It would be my complete life's ambition completed if I wasn’t still a freak of religion to put it. One of the angels pulled out a chair for me, which I took and smiled graciously at him. There was a short and awkward hush around the table which was replaced quickly with whispering and giggling.
Everything was starting to click in to place in my head. Well their extremely weird behaviour anyway. Kio made his entrance and slammed the door behind him in an attempt to get attention from his little troops.
“So Kio how long have you been rouge?” I smirked at the slightly shocked look on his face. I can’t believe he thought he could conceal that kind of thing from a demon. I’m personally ashamed it took me so long to realise. He would probably deny it but that’s the fun of knowing a secret.
“Along time, now shut up.” He lighted a cigarette and sat opposite me at the table. He admits it, well that is a surprise but then why would a heartless sod like him be rounding up Angels which are on their way to becoming rouges themselves?
“Living on the edge then. Rouge is one step away from being Fallen.” I watched him cringe slightly. He covered it well by reaching for a piece of toast but I had touched a sensitive spot.
“Didn’t I tell you to shut up?” He growled and nibbled at his toast almost delicately. I took his advice.
Aggravating someone in the morning who already hated you was never a wise idea as they tended to get more aggressive then normal. I sighed slightly and took another glance round the table. It was fun playing the “why do you think they’re going to become a rouge” game. All of them were fascinated with me though some for different reason then others. “What’s your name and how many people have you murdered?” A pair of dark grey eyes looked eagerly at me; this one was closer to falling then the rest. A murderer in the making; demon blood would not satisfy him for long.
“It’s Star and I tend to avoid killing people as I’m trying to improve my image so less people try to kill me, therefore improving my chances of survival. However I do seem to have a habit of relapsing… When provoked I might add, so I would say about six. Each one broke my heart. I regretted and grieved over it heavily.” I sighed and the angel looked slightly disappointed. He was obviously expecting gory detail which I was not going to give.
“They broke your heart?” someone clung to my arm. There’s no point in guessing why this one was going rogue. I nodded softly at him. “That’s so sad… your so cool I would never break your heart.”
“Don’t even go there Fres, if I’ve told you once I’ve told you a million times no relationships with men... mortal or immortal” Kio scolded the angel who I recognised to be the one who begged to save my life.
“Aww leave the poor boy alone.” I draped myself lightly across Fres who blushed. “You can’t blame him. I personally prefer the same s*x too and me with these rugged good looks…” Kio gaped slightly before starting to growl. He stood up sharply sending the chair he was sitting on flying backwards.
“Get your hands off him now.” Kio grated his teeth together and cracked his knuckles. I smirked at him and slowly removed myself from Fres.
“Leave him alone, Kio…” Fres looked down at the floor to avoid Kio’s glare. “Do you have any family, Star?” Kio to my surprise picked up his seat and slouched down. Sulking.
“Two brothers, Dusk the eldest and Skai my twin, and two sisters. I don’t really know their names though. Skai keeps one from me and what happened to the other is a mystery. None of them are especially close to me… But I don’t really want to talk about my family. Not at the breakfast table anyway.” I gave Fres a half sided smile.
“There’s no time to chat. We have stuff to do. Get a move on you lot... and Fres I’d like a word with you privately.” Kio signaled for everyone to get out of the room. “Do something useful, half demon, like clean up.”
“Don’t get too jealous, Kio.” I smirked at him. Sometimes I can be nasty but always with good intentions.
“What the hell are you talking about?” he slams the door behind him before I have the chance to reply. I might as well tidy up. It’s not as if I have anything better to do.
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Half
Mar 6, 2006 19:51:28 GMT -5
Post by Anime Monster on Mar 6, 2006 19:51:28 GMT -5
*snort* I think I like all the sexual tension between Kio and Star. And I'm glad we found out more about his family. Keep this up, and suggestion...clean it up and get yourself a publisher.
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me
Forum Newbie
Yeah Hikaru and Kaoru!
Posts: 48
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Half
Mar 7, 2006 5:43:04 GMT -5
Post by me on Mar 7, 2006 5:43:04 GMT -5
... A publisher... i'm not that good lol
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Half
Mar 7, 2006 13:20:23 GMT -5
Post by Meluivan Indil on Mar 7, 2006 13:20:23 GMT -5
Honestly you have one hell of an imagination me. This story has alot of potential. Don't knock yourself.
M.
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Half
Mar 7, 2006 13:33:37 GMT -5
Post by Meluivan Indil on Mar 7, 2006 13:33:37 GMT -5
Chapter 4 edited.
Hey the sister thing is really interesting. I want to hear more about them.
M.
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