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Post by Ark on Sept 29, 2008 13:41:28 GMT -5
... I'm not trying to be rude, but the length of this is far to minimal to be called a chapter. You have some grammar issues to work out as well, and your dialogue is robotic and unrealistic. Try to include a bit more emotion.
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Post by Meluivan Indil on Sept 29, 2008 21:03:05 GMT -5
Ark it's a prologue, not a chapter. Prologues really don't have a set length as far as I know.
Hon, you need to wach after you use punctuation. In several cases there are no spaces after the periods and commas like there should be.
And I wouldn't use *'s for thought. The proper punctuation to use is the single quote like this: ' I usually tend to italicize thoughts just to make it easier to tell them from spoken quotes also.
For instance you could do this:
'Oh, the senshi must have brought me back here,' she thought.
As far as the feel of it I'd suggest putting a little bit more descriptive thought. Describing emotions and such. That would cure the robotic feel that Ark got.
For instance how does Molly's vow to risk her life for Nephlite make him feel?
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Post by Ark on Sept 29, 2008 21:09:40 GMT -5
Okay, my bad. I generally choose against them anyways; spoils some of the fun to me.
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Post by Meluivan Indil on Sept 30, 2008 6:54:06 GMT -5
You know there is a huge debate in the writing community over whether or not people should use them?
Wait, havn't we had this conversation before? I had it with someone, but I can't remember who.
Anyhow, I can write one, but I'm not saying I'm all that good at it. It's hard to decide what is good to put in a prologue or not.
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Post by Ark on Sept 30, 2008 11:47:38 GMT -5
Well, this is still really skimpy in terms of a chapter; it lacks anything but the most basic of setting detail, contains plenty of grammatical issues, bland and repetitive vocabulary, and totally flat emotion. It's as though I'm watching cardboard cut outs be waved at each other in a menacing fashion. You really should have a beta reader get at this before hand. Of course, either way you should spent significantly more time developing these chapters.
No, M, we haven't had that discussion but I feel that they're fairly... juvenile in their implication. It's like going to see a movie, only to see a trailer for the same movie during the previews.
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Post by Ark on Sept 30, 2008 13:17:24 GMT -5
Well,I have had a fellow author look at it before..this author had done writing as a class in college many years ago.Although she felt that my writing skills could be better with more practice, she did not see real problems. She's more concerned about good plotting, proper characterization and making the slightest bit of sense when it comes to writing.. not so much the grammar. As long as the basic grammar skills are down packed and doesn't look like it was put together in 2 minutes, it doesn't matter to her. That's all fine and good, but I'm in college right now, going into a creative writing major. I can, with all due respect, tell you that those things are not in good standing actually. Granted, they're 'okay' as in bare minimum, I kinda-known-where-you're-going-with-this fashion. Your characters are very flat and poorly described, the plot is fairly cliche, and in the end much of the flatness comes from your grammar deficiencies which make something so short rather tedious and monotonous to read. This is all constructive criticism, and just because one, rather removed person expressed their positive opinion of your work does not mean you should disregard the fundamentals.
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Post by Ark on Sept 30, 2008 16:02:18 GMT -5
I'm not telling you to please me, I'm simply pointing out that its foolish to not actively work to make yourself better.
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