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Fragile
Dec 3, 2008 17:00:52 GMT -5
Post by safaiax on Dec 3, 2008 17:00:52 GMT -5
(Jared) When we got the call, I nearly freaked out. An employee from a hospital about thirty minutes south of here called, and said there had been a huge car accident two nights ago, and twenty to thirty victims had been brought in at the same time—Dad was one of them. Like I said, I freaked out. We immediately got in the car and headed down there. Aaron went home to tell his Mom, and I assured him I would call as soon as I got more information. The car ride seemed to take an eternity. My mind was thinking the worst. Not even Isaac’s optimistic suggestions would help this time. We soon got to the hospital, but after that, it took ages to find the right room. It was a really big hospital! When we finally found it, we couldn’t even go in! That was dumb. We had to wait in the waiting room. “Jared, I bet he’ll fine. He’s always fine!” Isaac attempted to make me feel better. “Well then why didn’t he call and tell us himself!?” I skittishly questioned. “Maybe he lost his phone?” “I don’t know...” We were finally allowed to go in, after like ten minutes. That was way too long. The whole time, I had been thinking not only the worst thoughts possible, but also how nerve wrecking it must be for Uncle Mike, too. After all, they’re brothers. When we went in, single file, the nurse told us he had been unconscious the whole time. I sat down and stared at my Dad. My heart went numb. I couldn’t believe it. Isaac was wrong. He was far from being fine. Lying in that bed…bandages just about everywhere…hooked up to all of the tubes... beep...beep...beep...I lost my breath for a second...how could this happen? It seemed impossible. Only a few days ago we had talked on the phone, happy as can be, planning that he’d come up and that we’d see him again, as always. … Planning, I thought. I guess in this world, plans are subject to change—anytime, anywhere, unexpectedly, with any person—and not guaranteed for the better. Aunt Susie walked out. I wondered what was going through her mind. "Be right back," Uncle Mike announced shortly after, walking out as well. Beep...beep...beep...“Think he’ll wake up soon?” more optimism from Isaac. “Don’t know.” Beep...beep...beep... I couldn’t think clearly. I wanted him to wake up now! But, that wasn’t happening. I knew we were wasting our time sitting here. I wanted something to happen though. Something like…a miracle. I don’t know. I just couldn’t sit still, couldn’t think straight, couldn’t even bare to look up. It was like something was missing, like somebody ripped out a chunk of my heart and put it on a pedestal in front of me, and whenever I laid my eyes before it, all I saw was it’s dying self, unable to do anything to help it live. At this point, I was hoping, and dare I say it, praying, that Dad would live— he was in that bad of shape. The way I saw it, if there really was a good, loving god, he’d answer my prayer, and Dad would live. If not...I didn’t even want to think about it. It hurt too much. Beep...beep...beep... I stood up after about fifteen minutes. “I’m hungry,” I said, putting on a plastic smile—Isaac didn’t buy it for a second. I didn’t care though, because I was eager to find something else to do while we waited. Sitting here was torture. For a good long while, we stayed at the hospital and ate, waited, talked, ate, waited talked….there wasn’t much more to do, except watch TV. In fact, at one time, I glance at the TV, and realized there was a news broadcast of the accident; they were taking video of the crash site. It was intense. Cars flipped over, rammed into each other, some sandwiched between others… intense. And it was weird to know that one of those wrecked cars belonged to my Dad. It bothered me immensely. After a few suspenseful hours, the doctors suggested we just go home and come back tomorrow. Half of me said I wanted to do that, and half of me said to stay here. I didn’t know where I wanted to be right now. The rest of the family didn’t know either. So, finally, we decided that Uncle Mike would stay for a while longer, and the rest of us could go home and come back later to pick him up and see if there was any news. So, Aunt Susie and Isaac and me piled in the car and drove away. When we got home, Isaac reminded me to call Aaron. I didn’t want to though. It was too painful to recall. But, I knew I’d have to let reality sink in, so I called him anyways. “ Hello?” he answered the phone. “Hey,” I said, bleakly, deciding one last time if I wanted to tell him. “Hey! What’d you find out? Is he okay?”“No…he’s not.” “Wait, does that mean…?”“He’s really beat up…like really…could barely recognize him..." “Are you serious?”No, I’m not…I’m joking…What do you think? “Yeah…unfortunately.” “So…he’s going to be okay…right?”“Don’t know, we can only hope.” “Yeah, really…so where are you at now?”“Home.” “Oh, didn’t see you pull up…are you gonna’ go back later?”“Yep. Maybe after dinner.” “Okay. You gotta’ update me, remember.”“I know. Hey I gotta go.” Or wanted to go, that is. “Okay, bye. And Jared, don’t worry too much. I’m sure everything will be okay.”“Yeah…bye.” I didn’t think so, but I wanted to, so I guess that was good enough to keep my mind off of it for a little while… Only a little while, though, because for the next hour or two, I had to listen to Aunt Susie call all of the relatives to tell them what happened. It was sick…more torture. First, I had to watch my heart die, and now, I had to listen to it… over, and over, and over…Of course, when ever I thought that negatively, Aaron and Isaac’s voices would come into my head. “I’m sure everything will be okay…” “He’ll be fine...he’s always fine...” Always? I didn’t know about that…besides even if it was true, there’s a first time for everything. Anyways, I was having a hard time staying awake, so I decided to take a nap and hope it would all be better when I woke up. I slept through dinner, then when I finally did wake up, it was by the sound of my phone. Someone had texted me—it was Uncle Mike. All I saw was ‘Cme quk Mtts awke’ “It’s about time!!” I exclaimed, jumping down the stairs. “You guys, it’s time to go, Dad’s awake, Uncle Mike texted me!” “Alright!” Aunt Susie exclaimed, grabbing her coat. Isaac grinned as he stood from the table and balanced himself on his crutch. “See, I told you he’ll be fine.” We got in the car once more and drove down there for another thirty minutes. My heart was beating faster than ever the whole way. For the next half hour or more, I thought for sure that everything would be alright, just like Aaron, Isaac, and now Uncle Mike had convinced me to think. I expected everything would be fine. After we had gotten to the hospital, we had to wait, again, before we could go in and see Dad. Uncle Mike came out and had to wait, too. By then, my patience had run even lower. “I thought he was awake?” I asked Uncle Mike. “He is, but the doctors wanted me out. I’m not sure why, but we did get to talk a little bit.” My heart leapt. “Really?” “Yeah. He told me to tell you guys ‘everything will work out good.’” “Awesome.” Hopefully it will then.Five minutes went by... why can’t we go in?Ten minutes... hurry up!Eleven... How about now?Twelve... The door opened. We all froze. What happened?“Jared?” said one of the doctors. I looked up. “Mr. Blake wants you.” Me? Why just me? What about the others? I stepped into the room. I gently closed the door behind me and seated myself next to the bed. “Dad?” I wanted to grin, but couldn’t. “Hey, Jared...” came his weak reply. I felt like I would crumble to the floor. Never in my life have I seen my dad like this. One day he’s fine, probably expecting to be with the family for two whole weeks. But the next, everything came crashing down. “Did you read my E-mail?” Darn it! “No...I forgot. I’m sorry.” It totally slipped my mind. “Read it...there’s something I wanted to tell you. It’s all on there.” “I will. I promise.” “Good.” Silence... “Dad, you’ll love what I got you for Christmas.” I couldn’t resist bringing it up. “Jared...I don’t think I’ll be there for Christmas...” What!? “Don’t say that, of course you will!” “No, you don’t get it.” He cleared his throat, then continued. “That crash did a pretty good job on me.” Tears began welling up in my eyes. I didn’t want to believe it. “A little too good.” “No, Dad! You said it yourself, you’re going to be okay--” “I said everything will work out okay. There’s a difference.” “Oh.” How could he? I thought he meant he’d be fine...“Remember that Bible I got you?” Great. “Yeah.” “I didn’t expect you to read it, but you really should. It has some great stuff in there. Great stuff.” “Is that what happened?” I asked, in a slightly too challenging tone. “You replaced your beer with religion?” He locked eyes with me. “No. I replaced it with a relationship.” What? “It’s all in the E-mail. Don’t forget about it.” “I won’t...” even though I kind of want to. Silence… “Hey Jared? Could you do me a favor?” “Sure! Anything.” “Would you tell Aaron I said ‘thanks for everything’? I don’t know if I’ll see him again...” I don’t really want to do that. “If...you say so...” “Thanks. He’s been like a son to me lately...so has Isaac.” I’m not sure if that’s good or bad, but considering we’re all practically brothers, I guess it makes sense.More silence...My legs felt like Jell-O. I couldn’t take it anymore. The tears were coming, and I wasn’t gonna’ stop ‘em. I broke down. “Dad, I don’t want you to go, you can’t!” He let me cry for a little bit, and then smiled the best he could. “Hey. Don’t be worried about me. You should be worried about yourself.” What the heck is that supposed to mean? He continued. “I mean, do you really know if you’re gonna’ make it home tonight? Do you know where you’ll go after ya’ take your last breath? I know where I’m going.” “What, d’you mean, like heaven?” “ Exactly.” What if I don’t believe in heaven? I wanted to say. “I don’t know...” “Think about that, Jared. You’ll want to be sure about it. You don’t know when you’ll be in the same place I am now--or worse.” I winced. No I don’t, that’s for sure. “Yeah--” Silence again. “Hey, could you send Isaac in?” “Sure...” I stood up and inched towards the door, but then stopped. Will this be the last time I see him, or not? I didn’t want to take any chances. So, turning around, I said “Dad I love you so much...you can’t go...hang in there, okay?” “...I’ll try...” he said bleakly. That had to be good enough for me. So with that, I gave him a weak smile, then left to get Isaac. Over the next hour or more, Isaac, Aunt Susie, and Uncle Mike were going in there, separately and talking to Dad. I hoped that he meant what he said--he’d try. That was my only glimmer of hope left. Without that, I had no leg to stand on. Dad had practically held my future and my heart in the palm of his hand. Not that he had taken it willfully, but I gave it to him, because I entrusted it all to him. In my mind, nothing could destroy him, and therefore, I had all the hope in the world. It was just a subconscious thing--never really thought about it. Anyways, I sat there with Isaac and Aunt Susie, staring off into space, and waiting for Uncle Mike to come out. I was going to go in there again, before we left for home. I had to. Just in case. I also thought that maybe, just maybe, the longer we--or I--talked to him, the better chance he’d have to...well...last at least until Christmas, or maybe even longer. I’d beg him if I had to. I thought that it was just a mental thing; that he had this ‘hope’ of being in a better place, like heaven. I didn’t see how heaven could even exist, though. So I began to think that maybe, if I gave him a new hope, he’d be able to make it longer. Suddenly, the door clicked open. I looked up, tried to hold my head high, half smiling, all ready to go back in there. Uncle Mike came out, face pale. What? I thought, standing up. “How is he?” I saw a tear drip down Uncle Mike’s cheek as he silently stepped towards us. My heart went numb--again. “He’s gone.” “No.” I slipped passed Uncle Mike, trying to stay confident. I opened the door, expecting to see Dad’s royal blue eyes locked in with mine. I froze at the bed, gazing down at his drained face... It had been sixteen years since I lost my mom...and might as well have been sixteen seconds since I lost my dad-- more than a hero. I crumbled to the floor. My heart tore in two. I lost my breath. Nothing mattered. I wanted to die a thousand deaths. I just-- didn’t-- care.
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Fragile
Dec 3, 2008 17:34:07 GMT -5
Post by safaiax on Dec 3, 2008 17:34:07 GMT -5
** I don’t even remember how I had gotten home. It just sort of happened. There was Uncle Mike--Dad’s drained face--which was now etched into my brain forever--the floor--then the house. It was gone. I couldn’t remember. I laid on my bed that night when I got home, specifically remembering the sight of Dad when he had crashed in my bed so long ago. I never wanted to leave it. ** Suddenly, when I was in bed, all the memories came flooding back at once. The memories about the last camping trip, when I decided that I didn’t want to live with Dad, and when I told Aaron the same thing on our thirteenth birthday party. I couldn’t help but shoot myself--no, more like stab myself mercilessly for it. How could I be so stupid? If I had only taken up the first offer to live with him, none of this ever would have happened! It all could have been prevented. I hate myself for it, I really hate myself. Oh, and then there was that ‘prayer’. I might as well have been talking to myself. If there really is a god, a kind, loving, merciful, and all-powerful god, he wouldn’t have let this happen! I bet people just wish there is. I bet they create the idea so that they can have hope in something in times of trouble. All I know is, I don’t know how there could be a god like that. I don’t understand how there could be a god that Dad believed in that’s loving, merciful, all powerful, and yet didn’t heal him. Besides, what about everyone else in the world? There’s so much suffering, so much evil! If there was a loving, merciful, and all powerful god, why doesn’t he do something about that too? Is he that heartless to sit back and watch everyone suffer and die? I don’t know, but if there really is one like that, I hate him. I wanted to stop thinking about all of this, but couldn’t. It was killing me… like mutilation to my soul. No more visits from Dad, no more calls, no more letters, no more emails, no more nothing. It was really killing me. Wait a second…I thought, Email! I jumped up from my bed and immediately sat down at my computer, heart beating fast. I didn’t really want to see what he had sent me, but couldn’t help myself. I was longing for something more, just one more piece of Dad. I logged onto my computer…got onto my email… bingo! There it was. I clicked, and this is what came up: Hey Jared! I have something awesome to tell you! You know a few years ago, when I wrote that letter to you about your Mom? And remember when I said it seemed like there was something missing in my life? Well, I found it! And it wasn’t beer, it wasn’t success, it wasn’t any of that stuff. It was Jesus Christ! I’m serious. I know you’re not big into religion, but this is more than a religion. It’s a relationship. Just trust me. Hear me out, ok? Maybe you’ve heard the story where Jesus died on the cross and rose on the third day. Well that’s so true! He died for everyone! See, have you noticed that everyone makes moral mistakes? Well that’s called sin. Its rebellion and disobedience towards God. And because God is perfect and we’re not, we’re separated from Him. But He loves us so much! Since He died for us and rose again, we can be reunited with Him, and go to heaven when we die! If you only trust in Him and turn from your sins, God will transform your life from the inside out! I know He can do it to you! I learned that if you look inside yourself, you only find despair, hopelessness, and sin. But if you look to Jesus, you’ll find the greatest hope ever! And, Jared, I know this might sound unbelievable, but it really isn’t. Please consider this, because your eternity depends on it! Jared, I love you so much. Maybe we can talk about this later when I get up there. See ya! I was bawling my eyes out by the time I finished reading. ‘See ya’? I wish... Yeah Dad, that is unbelievable. I might have believed that a few days ago, but not now. Probably not ever. I didn’t know what to do. I felt hopeless. So, I laid myself on the floor, waiting for something to happen, waiting to fall asleep—or die. I closed my eyes for who knows how long, but before I knew it, opened them again at the sound of the stairs creaking…foot steps…someone’s coming… The door opened, and I saw Uncle Mike’s feet. Great, I thought. “Hey.” He said, bleakly, looking down at me. I didn’t care if he thought I was weird for lying on the floor. “Hi,” I grunted. “How’re you doing?” Terrible. I shrugged. He sat down on my bed. What do you want?Silence... “Look...I know this is really hard. But I just wanted to tell you that you can come to me for anything. If you need a shoulder to cry on, or someone to talk to, or whatever, I’ll be here. Okay?” “'Kay.” Thanks, but no thanks. I don’t think I want to talk about it. And no way am I gonna cry in front of you.Silence... “I’m still getting used to this, too, ya know.” My stomach knotted. Don’t start, I wanted to say. “I mean, he’s my little brother. It hurts a lot.” You don’t even know pain. Please stop…“But, I know if he were here, he’d want us to stop sulking and get on with life. Right?” “Mhm…” Do you have any idea how much torture this is?He chuckled. “And I suppose he’d tell us to lighten up a bit, too.” “Well he’s not here, okay? Would you stop!” I snapped, sitting up to face him, in tears. Probably shouldn’t have said that, but I couldn’t help it. He was asking for it. “...sorry.” I sighed, after cooling off a minute. “I just want to be alone now.” “Alright.” He said, slowly getting up. “By the way, Isaac wanted to talk to you.” “Tell him to come up here, then.” I said flatly. (Isaac) Once Dad told me what Jared said--for me to go up there--I knew what was up. It was obvious he didn’t want to talk. But, I really wanted to talk to him! So, I took up the challenge. Dad offered a piggy back, but I refused. Jared said for me to go up, not for someone to bring me up. I crawled up the stairs (which really wasn’t that difficult) and crawled the whole six feet to Jared’s door, sat on the floor, and knocked. “Come in.” I heard him mumble. As soon as I pushed open the door, I saw his depressed self lying on the floor, flat on his stomach. He stared at me as I crawled in, half smiling. “Didn’t think you’d actually come.” “I know.” There was a pause. “Will you be okay?” “Sure,” he said, dismally. I didn’t think so, though. “Have you called Aaron?” I asked, sitting up against the bed. “No.” “Good, ‘cause I did.” “Oh...thanks.” “Yeah. And what about Monica, Freddy, and Angie? ” “I don’t know...” We sat in silence for awhile. I couldn’t help but wonder what was going through his mind right now. This must be the hardest thing ever. One day life is close to perfect, he’s going to be spending two weeks with his Dad, he has hope for the future, and life is great. But, the next, everything is destroyed. Of course, now Aaron and I have lost our future, too, but it’s not the same. I sighed. I didn’t know what to say. Usually this would be the part where I come in and give some encouragement or whatever, but this time, I had nothing. I couldn’t see any hope whatsoever. I wanted to tell him everything would be okay, but that would be a lie. I wanted to remind him that at least he still had me and Aaron, but that probably wouldn’t do much in light of the situation. A few minutes of silence passed, and suddenly, I realized that Jared had fallen asleep. So, I crawled back downstairs, and decided to go to bed myself. I didn’t want to think about this anymore. The next morning when I woke up, a shockwave of memories hit me. I remembered what happened yesterday and realized it was all true, though I wanted to think it was merely a dream. I remembered the feeling of the suspense, the hope, and the tragedy. I remembered the first sight of Uncle Matt in that hospital bed—stared, dumbstruck at his barely recognizable face. I remembered our last conversation. I nearly cried. He thanked me for being like a son to him the last few months. Apparently he told Jared to tell Aaron the same thing, but didn’t know if that would happen. So, I volunteered to do it. We talked about a lot of things, but what stuck out the most to me, is when I was about to leave, he said ‘Love you guys so much. Remember that, okay?’ That was the first time in my life I had ever heard Uncle Matt say something like that to anyone except Jared. He really did change. I just don’t know why. But, now I won’t be able to find out. All I know is that the moment I heard the news, I felt a twinge in my stomach. I’m sure it hurt Jared a hundred times more, though. Usually Uncle Matt would be the one Jared would go to when he has problems, but this time, there is no Uncle Matt. I knew I had to be the one, now. Jared and I had always been extraordinarily close; we’ve been able to talk about practically anything. This would have to be something else we could talk about, or cry about. Besides, I didn’t want my little brother to feel alone, and that’s bound to happen now. Anyways, later in the day, I decided to call Monica. She freaked out when she heard the news. She had never really gotten to know Uncle Matt very much, but he had always been a normal part of our family to her. It’s like the equivalent of one of my parents dying. She even cried a little bit. After we got passed the freaking out, shock, and acceptance, we had to figure out how to tell the others—that seemed like the thing to do. Freddy still didn’t want us talking to him, and Angie still wasn’t allowed to talk to us. So, eventually, we decided that Monica would tell Freddy, and I’d write Angie a letter and slip it in her mailbox, but—we’d tell them after Christmas break.
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Fragile
Dec 4, 2008 16:44:03 GMT -5
Post by safaiax on Dec 4, 2008 16:44:03 GMT -5
(Jared) ** For the next two weeks, I did almost nothing except eat, sleep, and play video games. I couldn’t imagine doing anything else. I couldn’t even imagine how the world could keep spinning, how life could keep living, or how people could keep laughing. I detested it all. I figured the only thing that would keep me from crying on Christmas day, and basically the whole rest of break, was to become completely emotionless. That was the only way. On the saturday after Christmas break, we had the funeral. That was probably the second worst day of my life—well, almost. I couldn’t keep myself under control. I didn’t want to go, but knew I should, even though it would be agonizing. Aaron and Ms. Evans were there. Monica and her parents were there. Ms. Jacobs was there; I didn’t know why Freddy wasn’t. Ralph Peterson came up for it, also. That was the first time I’d seen him without Dad being around. Once again, it hurt. And of course, the rest of the immediate family was there—even Grandma and Grandpa Blake, who hadn’t talked to Uncle Mike for nearly twenty years. ** It was insane—like a giant family reunion—so insane that I couldn’t take it anymore. I needed to go hide somewhere. I felt like I would explode. The whole emotionless thing lasted for awhile but it wouldn’t work for this. Eventually, I found a room in the church we were in with no one in it. Unfortunately, Isaac found me. Why is he always around when I want to be alone? I sat down on the floor of the room, and soon Isaac rolled in, looking for me. “Hey, how are you holding up?” he asked. Can’t do it much longer, I wanted to say. “Dunno.” “Are you gonna’ be okay?” I feel like I’ve been punched in the stomach. “I don’t know.” I wish he’d leave right now. I want to cry. Isaac slipped down out of his wheelchair and sat next to me against the wall. I didn’t understand why he wouldn’t leave me alone. We sat in silence for awhile, but eventually, all of the distress, all of the anger, all of the depression built up inside of me. I couldn’t hold it in. It was tearing me apart…and now the tears came once again. “Isaac, I can’t take it anymore!! Why can’t I die!?” “You’ll be okay, bro,” he calmly assured. “You can’t die ‘cause then you’d be leaving the rest of us behind. You gotta’ keep going in life, no matter what. It’s going to get tough, but it’s not like you’re alone. And trust me, you’re not alone.” “But I can’t keep going on...” He wrapped his arm around me. I thought I saw a flash of tears in his eyes. “Yes you can--you just don’t want to.” Is he trying to play therapy with me? That brings back fond memories. “I don’t know.” He sighed. “Listen, Jared. You’re going to have a hard time. You’re going to struggle, and you’re going to want to die so many times now, but I’m not leaving. I don’t care how many tears you shed. I’m not leaving.” That hit the spot right there. He was practically speaking to my heart. I sniffled, dry eyed and red faced. “Thanks, bro.” He smiled and locked his green eyes in with mine. “No problem.” For the next couple hours, all we did was sit there in that room and talk. We laughed together, we cried together, we reminisced together--it felt nice, kind of relieving. Isaac was the only one I could really talk to about Dad now. He’s the only one that I let myself get really emotional in front of. I’d like to say the same for Aaron, but that wouldn’t be true. I guess it’s because ever since we were little, when his dad died, I had always been Aaron’s shoulder to lean on. I’ve always felt like I had to be there for him, and if I got really emotional, I wouldn’t be able to be there. I had to be tough in front of him, like I had everything under control. I couldn’t cry or get too angry or anything. It didn’t work both ways. (Aaron) Today was terrible. I cried almost the whole time at Matt’s funeral. Just couldn’t help it. Half way through it all, I realized Jared and Isaac had gone off somewhere, but I couldn’t find them. I could only imagine how they were feeling today--and the whole Christmas break. Some break. I felt like I had to repay Jared some how. All those years of him sticking by me in my times of need…and now it was my turn to stick by him. When they finally came back from where ever they were, I jogged up to them and my stomach flipped. We had just spent like a half hour watching a slide show of nearly the whole life of Matt--childhood on up. I only just realized how much Jared looks like his Dad. It was so weird. “Hey guys, you alright?” “Yeah.” Isaac stated. “I guess.” Jared followed. “Okay…that’s good. Where ya been?” “Just talking.” “Yeah, and hanging out ‘nd stuff.” “Oh. Okay. So umm…” I didn’t know what to say. I didn’t want to start talking about the funeral or anything, but it seemed like that was all there was to talk about. Suddenly, Ralph walked up. “Hey, guys! How’s it going? So sorry ‘bout what happened...” We all grinned. I don’t know about the others, but mine was pretty fake. We all greeted him though. He told us that we needed to talk, so he pulled us aside for a minute. “What’s going on?” Jared questioned. “Here’s the thing,” he began, grim faced. “Matt ‘as been telling me for months that you guys are gonna’ be coming to work with us in a few years.” “Yeah...” Isaac said. “Yeah. So, now this might be kind of challenging. See, we’ve always had a system worked out. ‘e does the producing most of the time, while I do the selling. And well, I can still do ‘is job, but not nearly as well. So, here’s the predicament; I don’t know if I can keep the business running long enough for you guys t’ come down. I’d have to do double the work with less the skill. And this wouldn’t be such a bad thing, except this is how I make a living. If it doesn’t work, I’ll have to find a new job, move, or both. And you three’ll have to make new plans.” “Oh wow.” I said. “That is a predicament.” “Hmm...” Isaac sounded like he was in his thinking box. “I don’t know...” Jared started. “I didn’t think we’d be able to do it anymore.....” “What if...” Isaac had an idea. “What if I were to go down there early? Could you keep it open until I graduate? So for a few months?” “That’s a possibility,” Ralph replied. “Good.” Isaac stated. “That’s what we might have to do then.” I didn’t like that idea, but that was our best option right now. (Freddy) I couldn’t believe it. I seriously couldn’t believe it. When Monica told me what happened to Jared’s Dad, I felt so bad for him. Normally I wouldn’t do something like that, especially to Jared. But, I know how it feels to lose a father. It really just makes you want to kill yourself. The thing that made me mad, though, is when Monica told me Jared, Isaac, and Aaron didn’t want to tell me. I thought ‘what the heck!? Do you guys really hate me that much now?’ I didn’t understand it. I mean they were the ones that were being stupid to me in the first place. I should be the one that hates them if there’s any hating here. But no, they didn’t want to tell me about Jared’s own father getting killed. I thought they would’ve just forgotten our past mistakes and tell me, but apparently not. I’m kind of glad I don’t hang out with them anymore if they’re going to be like that. (Isaac) ** Finally, the day had come. The whole rest of the school year went by extremely slow, but now that I look back at it, it seems pretty speedy fast. I had been studying extra hard for the passed few months. And finally, on this day, all that work paid off. I graduated! It was awesome. In fact, I think this was about the happiest day in the house hold since before Uncle Matt died. I think I actually saw Jared smile once today, too! That was exciting. Oh yeah, Freddy graduated, too. I wanted to try to talk to him, but didn’t get a chance. Either we couldn’t find him, or he seemed like he was avoiding us. I didn’t get it. I wondered, was he still upset about what happened so long ago? It really got us frustrated. ** As we had been planning for the last few months, I went to work with Ralph a few days after I graduated. It was a terribly sad time. What happened in the way of Uncle Matt’s house, was Mom and Dad immediately got possession, but they’ve been allowing Ralph to use it for the business, since it already has the kiln--and everything else--in it. Ralph has been paying for half of it, though, since Mom and Dad can’t afford to pay for two houses for a very long time. So it was still being used, but no one lived in it. I went to stay with Ralph at his house, which was sort of in between Uncle Matt’s and the shop. Like I said, it was really sad. A lot of memories came flying back from the previous summer. I was kind of glad Jared wasn’t here; it would have tormented him. One of the first things we did when we got down there, was go see the shop. Ralph showed me around the whole place, showed me how to run it, and everything else I’d need to know, since I would be starting the next day. It was pretty fun. We spent almost the whole day there. Then, afterwards, we went out to eat at Dairy Queen. After ordering our food, we went to eat at one of the tables, and had a rather interesting conversation. “Thanks again for comin’ down so early, Isaac,” he started. “Really appreciate it.” “Yup. No problem. I’ve been looking forward to it. Just didn’t think it would be under these circumstances...” I stated. “Yeah, I know...” There was a pause. “By the way,” he continued, “What got you interested in this in the first place?” “Oh, one time Uncle Matt brought us to his house--me Jared and Aaron that is--and we immediately fell in love with pottery. Well at least, I did. And the more I thought about it, the more I realized this would be the perfect career; I’d be with my friend, my cousin, and... thought I’d be with my Uncle...” He sighed. “Yeah...things jus’ don’t work out the way we plan sometimes...” “Yeah...” Another pause. “You know...I’m really glad I met up with your uncle.” I had a hard time talking about this, but was curious now. “Why’s that?” “Because...well we were friends in middle school and high school--ages ago, I know--but he dropped out early and after that, we went our separate ways. I didn’t think I’d ever run int’ him again. But, it truly is a small world.” He smiled. “So when we met up, we were pretty ‘appy about it. It was only natural that we became business partners as well.” “Oh, cool.” “Yeah. The only problem was, I never knew ‘e drank for a while. Only just foun’ out las’ summer. But, luckily he quit soon after, thankfully.” “You knew about that?” “Yep, o’ course.” “Do you know why?” Ralph grinned. “’Cause ‘e got saved.” Saved? “What d’you mean?” “I mean he became a Christian--born-again--never was the same after that.” “Really?” “Would I say it if I didn’t mean it?” “So wait...are you a Christian too?” “Sure am.” Wow...I had been studying Christianity for a while, but it always confused me, because there’s so many different contradictory beliefs within that one religion, or so it seemed. I mean, the basics of it sort of made sense, but beyond that, it perplexed me to no end. I was glad I would be working with a Christian now, because I had questions and wanted answers. I didn’t know how anyone could believe the Bible to be literally true. But, I don’t know, there was something about it that’s different--something significant--but so much of it was confusing to me. “Hmm...why?” And with that, we got into a huge discussion about Christianity. Ralph really knew what he believed and why. It was impressive.
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Fragile
Dec 4, 2008 17:19:44 GMT -5
Post by safaiax on Dec 4, 2008 17:19:44 GMT -5
(Jared) ** I hated it so much. I knew that it was necessary for Isaac to go down and work with Ralph, but I still hated it. I always felt so alone after that. I mean, Aaron was there, but it wasn’t the same. Practically all we did was played video games or computer games. I never felt like I could really talk to him and since Isaac wasn’t there any more, I had no one to talk to. I was glad for his company, though, and I honestly did want to be able to talk to him about deep stuff, or about Dad, or whatever, but it was so hard. I thought it would be best if I didn’t. The other thing I hated was that whenever I picked up the phone to call Isaac, I occasionally expected to hear that tenor, oh so familiar, ‘hello?’ of Dad’s voice. I guess it was just all those years of calling him that I got used to. It made my heart ache every time. ** When Uncle Mike told me what we would be doing throughout the summer, I felt like I would barf. He said as soon as school gets out, we’ll be going down to Dad’s house to go through his stuff, decide what we wanted to keep, split up between the family, etc. I knew we had to do it; it couldn’t stay in that house forever. But, it still made me sick. So, on the first official day of summer break--morning, technically--we went down there. Aaron and Ms. Evans volunteered to come, too, just to help out. Apparently they didn’t really have anything else to do, and plus Aaron would probably be bored to death without me. As soon as we got down there, Ralph was there to greet us all. “Hey guys! How was th’ trip?” “Hey,” Uncle Mike replied. “It was smooth.” “Is Isaac here now?” Aunt Susie questioned as we went inside. “Yep, he’s inside.” “Oh, good!” “Yeah, he’s been doin’ really good at the shop. I try to go in as much as I can, but the first week or so I stayed t’ help out, and ‘e did almost all the work. He’s really got some people skills.” “Wow,” Aunt Susie sounded impressed. I would expect that from Isaac though. He’s always had good people skills. “Yeah. And just so y’ know, the wheelchair hasn’t been a problem at all. He’s been using ‘is crutches most o’ the time. Works out well.” “That’s good,” Uncle Mike stated. Isaac suddenly came in the kitchen, where we were. “Hey.” “Hi, Isaac!” Aunt Susie exclaimed with a grin on her face. “How are you?” “Good. Hey, Ralph, if I’m staying here today, who’s gonna run the shop? We can’t just stay closed.” “Yeah, I was thinkin’ about that. Aaron, you wana’ give it a try?” he asked. "I dunno, I guess!” “Good! I’ll show ya’ what t’ do. Early experience will be good for ya’. That alright, Ms. Evans?” She grinned. “Sure, sounds good to me.” After some more talk, Ralph and Aaron went out the door. “Anyways,” Uncle Mike prompted, “We should probably get started. Got lots of work ahead of us.” “Alright.” Aunt Susie said, leaning against the wall. “Okay, so listen up guys,” Uncle Mike began, aiming at Isaac and me. “In the will, Dad specifically stated that we--that is, Aunt Susie, me, and you two--get first pick on everything. And after that, Uncle Jim and family will get their pick.” Dad had a will? That’s news to me.“And Jared, he said you get the house, if you want it, and if you’re over eighteen. So, when you move out, the house will belong to you. Have fun paying it off the rest of the way.” He grimaced. I wanted to scream. This really was killing me. “Kay.” For the next few hours, Uncle Mike and Aunt Susie went through the living room and kitchen, discussing what they wanted to keep. I had gotten sick and tired of it, so I decided to go somewhere else--up to Dad’s bedroom. I trudged upstairs, Isaac on my back, cautiously stepped into the room, and set Isaac on the bed. I turned on the light and inhaled the air. “Isaac, it smells like Dad! I never want to leave...” Apparently he used lots of cologne, Isaac grinned. He probably thought that was the funniest thing in the world. But, I was serious. We looked around. I didn’t know where to start. It seemed sick that we had to do this; almost like we were invading his privacy. Except, that didn’t matter now. Dad won’t be needing this stuff anymore. “Hey Jared,” Isaac blurt out, penetrating the silence. “I found something.” I turned around, only to find him flipping through a notebook. “What is it?” “It’s...a journal! Jared, Uncle Matt kept a journal!” I wanted to burst out laughing, but then realized Isaac was serious. “This is just from last year!” “Hmmm...” I was curious now. “Think there’s one from earlier? I’ve heard of people keeping all their journals that they’ve written in. I think Monica does that.” “Dunno, lets look.” We immediately began scrounging through the room, until finely, I pulled open a desk drawer with a stack of notebooks. “I think…I found ‘em.” I grabbed the top one and looked at the date. Only from a couple years ago, I thought. After looking at the dates of a few more, I noticed that these were the latest ones, so the earliest had to be at the bottom. I dug through the drawer and pulled out the rest—there were a total of nine notebooks. I opened the very bottom one and began to read what my Dad had written decades ago. Dear journal, I turned 13 last week. Mom was working, as usual. I think the only people that remembered my birthday were Mike and Jimmy. I hate it. Mom is too busy for us all the time. Always was and always will be. Oh yeah, and to make it even worse, today is the 3rd year anniversary of Mom and Dad’s divorce. Mom doesn’t want to remember it, but I remember it like it was yesterday. It was the worst day of my life. I specifically remember the sight I saw when I went downstairs. I went to bed, but woke up at the sound of yelling. When I went downstairs, I saw Mom on the floor. Dad got drunk again. When Dad get’s drunk, he gets angry. And I guess this time, he took his anger out on Mom. I hate him for that. A few days later, aka 3 years ago to this day, they divorced. I didn’t know whether to cry or rejoice. Probably did a bit of both. “Wow…that’s insane,” I muttered. I didn’t realize that’s what Dad had to put up with when he was younger. I couldn’t help but remember what I had to put up with when I was younger too. Dad used to bring beer every time he’d visit. Sometime, when he drank, he’d get angry, or sometimes he’d pass out for a while. I remember specific times when Uncle Mike would tell me and Isaac to go outside or in the other room whenever Dad got angry; then we’d listen to them yell— a lot. It embarrassed me so much, especially when my friends were over. But, thankfully that all stopped when Uncle Mike demanded that if he wanted to come over, beer wouldn’t be allowed in the house. That seemed to solve the problem. “Hey Jared,” Isaac said. “Listen to this one I found. It was from last summer.” I looked up to show him I was listening. “It says: ‘Dear journal, today, Ralph and I had an unusual discussion. I didn’t want to talk about it at first, but decided to give in, due to my own curiosity. We were at my house for dinner, and he began asking me about the purpose and meaning of life. I normally stray away from thinking about that stuff, but this time…I guess it seemed like the thing to talk about with Ralph. “’He asked me about what my purpose in life is. I didn’t really know how to respond (I was not expecting that!), but I thought it would probably have to be family and friends. He asked me what the meaning of life is, like the reason that we humans live on this earth, and I had no idea how to respond. “’When I asked him what he thought, he said he believes God made humans for Himself. He also said his purpose in life is to glorify Jesus Christ. All I thought was ‘what’s up with all the Christians? First my parents, and now my best friend!’ Except, after that, he said something really interesting. He said I shouldn’t be putting my hope in mere humans, because we’re destructible; finite; we don’t last too long. If we put all of our hope in friends and family, when something happens, or they all die, we’ll have no hope left. That made sense but it strongly irritated me. Got me pretty depressed. He told me the only one we can really put any hope in is God because God is eternal, perfect, and unchanging. “’After that, he asked me if I believe in Evolution, and I said I didn’t know, because, well...I don’t. He told me that Evolution offers nothing but despair; if we all randomly evolved from a lower life form for no particular reason, then that means we have no real purpose in life. We’re part of the problem even. We’re taking up space on earth and anyone who hasn’t evolved far enough shouldn’t be living so that the higher species can get ahead faster. If Evolution is true, we’re all a result of mere chance and we don’t mean anything. We’re on this earth for no reason at all--only because of chance. Also, if Evolution is true, man decides what’s right and wrong since theirs no moral absolutes, and no absolute authority; if man says it’s okay to steal, it must be okay. If man says its okay to lie, it must be okay...if man says it’s okay to murder Jews, or babies, or classmates at school, then it must be okay--after all, there is no god so man must be the absolute authority’. “’...That’s what Ralph said. It sort of disturbed me once he put it that way. He also said that if the God of the Bible is real, then He offers all the hope in the world. If the God of the Bible really created us then that means we’re not a result of chance, and everyone can find purpose and meaning in Him because He created each and every person for a reason. God gives everyone the breath of life and He has the power and authority to give it and take it away. If the God of the Bible is real, God decides what’s right and wrong, and if God says no stealing, we better not steal. If God says no lying, we better not lie. If God says no murdering, we better not murder. And anyone who does that has disobeyed God—rebelled—sinned. And if God is just, which Ralph says He is, that means we’re in big trouble because we deserve God’s punishment. I knew where he was going with this. He was going to bring up hell. And well, I was getting uncomfortable, so I decided to ask him if we could talk about this later. He said if I wanted to. “’Well, I’m really depressed right now. It felt like Ralph took all my hope and pulled it out from under me. If he’s right about the god he speaks of, that means humans really can’t have hope in him because we’re all going to be punished. If Ralph believes Jesus is God then how can he have hope in the one that’s going to be sending him to hell? But, then again. What if there is no god? Or what if there is but he made the world through the process of Evolution? His logic made sense about the idea that we have no real purpose and meaning in life if Evolution is true and if there is no god. And, I don’t see how there can be a loving god if people like me are depressed all the time. So that means either there is no god, or there’s one who’s not really involved in our lives—or I suppose one who just doesn’t care about us. I don’t know, but I’m really depressed right now. I think I should go do something else.’” “Wow...” I didn’t really know what to think, except that I didn’t know Ralph was Christian. “Yeah. Pretty interesting,” Isaac stated. “Yeah...depressing too.” I flipped through the notebook on my lap and stopped at a page that caught my eye. “Hey Isaac, listen to this! Dad wrote about my Mom right here.” “Okay.” “’Dear journal, yesterday was the best day ever! Teresa came over to remind me that it was the one year anniversary of the day we met. I don’t know why she keeps track of that stuff. She’s weird like that. But she came over yesterday afternoon, and we hung out like all day! It was so much fun. Then something interesting happened. Me and Teresa have always been good friends since we met at school last year. Well, actually we hated each other at first, but then we got to know each other a little more and I realized she’s the most awesome girl in the world! She still is by the way. Anyways, over the year we’ve gotten a lot closer. It has even gotten to the point where we can let each other into our hearts and minds, and talk about really personal things. I’ve never been one to do that with any other girl, let alone person, so it feels pretty nice to finally let it all out. “’Like I said, we’ve been getting a lot closer, and…I’ve been thinking about it…and I think I’ve fallen in love with her! I wanted to tell her, but figured it would sound too freakishly weird. I mean we’re just friends, I’m sure. But, I can’t get her off my mind right now. It’s weird. Last night, we were hanging out in my room, listening to music and talking n’ stuff, and I told her. Can’t believe it too. I was afraid she’d slap me or something, but I got a pleasant surprise. It turns out, she’s felt the same way about me for quite some time! That was a relief. So, we’ve decide that we’re gonna try the dating thing, despite the weirdness. Who knows, it might lead to something more!’” “Wow,” Isaac said. “And look, it did lead to something more!” He grinned “Yeah,” I replied, scanning the next entry. “Oh and listen to this: ‘I just got off the phone with Teresa a little bit ago. She had another fight with her parents. It seems like they’re always on her case about something, whether it’s school, or money, or what. This time, it was something different though. It was me. I’ve only met her parents a few times, and I guess they’re Baptists…Christian that is. Teresa never wanted to tell them that we’re dating now, because she doubted that her parents would approve, but being the smart guy I am, I convinced her to tell them. I didn’t think it would be that big of a deal, ‘cause I mean it’s not like I’m that bad of a person—but, I guess it is a big deal. They said they don’t want their daughter dating a pagan…well okay, they didn’t use the word ‘pagan’ but that’s what they implied. I laughed at that. Anyways, she didn’t want to stop dating me just because her parents don’t want her to, so she decided she’ll tell them that we broke up. That works I guess. “’For a while after that, we were talking about our plans for after high school (only three years ‘til we graduate!). She doesn’t know what she wants to do yet, but I think it would be awesome to go to school for architecture. That would be the bomb.‘” “I never knew Uncle Matt knew your mom when they were that young.” Isaac stated when I was done reading. “Yeah, me neither.” Suddenly, I heard Aunt Susie call us. “Isaac! Jared! You guys want some lunch?” “Be right there!” Isaac yelled back. As I closed up the notebook, a photo dropped to the floor. I picked it up. In it stood a guy and a girl up against a wall. I gazed at their glossy figures. Is it really?Isaac began reading the back, “Me--and--Teresa--in—my--room.” I grinned. “This is so cool.” “Yeah. They look cute together!” I set it on the bed, and then we went downstairs for lunch. It’s so weird. I’ve never seen my Mom’s face until now. Isn’t that sad? In fact, if it weren’t for overhearing Uncle Mike, Aunt Susie, and Dad talking about her occasionally, I’d probably never even know her name. We never talked about her when I was growing up.
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Fragile
Dec 4, 2008 17:56:48 GMT -5
Post by safaiax on Dec 4, 2008 17:56:48 GMT -5
Throughout the entire rest of the day, and the next day, all we basically did—that is, Isaac and me—was read Dad’s journals. We both had our share of laughs and tears, but it was fun; depressing at times, but fun. Here are some of his journal entries that really stuck out to us:
Dear journal, So there’s this girl…and she’s been flirting with me a ton. I hate her. During school she often is bugging me or trying to get my attention. I’ve attempted to ignore her, but sometimes I can’t. It’s impossible for a guy to ignore a girl like her. And what’s worse is Teresa saw the two of us together today, and she wigged out on me! She didn’t even give me a chance to explain. I need to call her soon and tell her I totally wasn’t cheating on her. I hope she’ll understand.
Dear journal, Yesterday at school was awesome. I told Teresa about the flirting thing and she apologized like 50 times for yelling at me! Then…well…the rest of the day was funny. She had been giving that one girl dirty looks all day, then after school, there was a bit of a fight… It’s not like I could do anything about it. She insisted on kicking her butt. And she did…with a few battle scars…but I don’t think that girl will be bothering me again. Yeah, so now that I think about it, I probably looked like a scaredy-cat. My own girlfriend was fighting for me! Shouldn’t it be the other way around? But it’s not like I was gonna’ hit a girl. I probably woulda’ like got put in juvie or something. I wasn’t gonna to let that happen.
Dear journal, Ralph and I walked home from school today (the last day of my junior year!), and my Mom was home. She’s like never home after school! It almost startled me. That night, we talked about it and…she said she got fired from her job. I can’t believe it. She’s going to try to look for another job, but she said if she can’t find one within the next week, there will have to be some serious changes…I’m not sure what those changes will be, but I hope she finds a job!
Dear journal, …Mom couldn’t find a job…and we got in a huge argument earlier. I was thinking we’d have to, like, sell our house or something, and be homeless bums, but I was wrong…she’s kicking us out! She told me she can’t support me, Mike, and Jimmy without a job. She can’t pay for our education, she can’t put food on the table for us, she can’t buy us stuff…she’ll barely be able to support herself for very long unless she finds a job. She said, if she can find a good paying one, she’ll let us back in, but until then, we’ll have to either go live with Dad or find somewhere else. I was about to ask her if all of us can live with Dad, but then remembered he’s always living off of paycheck to paycheck, bouncing around from woman to woman, and probably spends most of his money on beer or cigarettes or whatever.. I think Mom would rather jump off a cliff than live with him. Anyways, we have a choice now. The three of us can either live with Dad, or find somewhere else. I have no idea what we’re gonna’ do but Mom wants us out by tomorrow. I don’t know whether to be madder at her or the circumstances…I hate life right now. Sometimes I just want to die. But, nope, can’t do that. Can’t leave Teresa.
Dear journal, Me, Jimmy, and Mike are at Dad’s house now. He lives across town from Mom’s so it’s not like it’s too far away. But…I really hate this. I hate Dad, I hate his girlfriend that he’ll probably keep for like a week tops, I hate this house—I hate it all. It has no food. Tons of beer, but almost no food. I don’t know what I’m gonna do. I totally don’t wanna stay here, but it’s not like it’ll be any better out on the streets. We’re thinking about leaving soon. I want to get out tomorrow, but Mike insists on staying a little longer to at least give this all a try. I don’t know why. Dad’s never even home. Like Mom I guess. –sigh- when can I die? I hate this so much. I don’t know how anyone could live like this.
Dear journal, Things have been weird lately. We ran away from Dad’s house, only to wander the streets now. I went over to Teresa’s house and she’s worried about us. We really need to get jobs. We’ve been wandering the streets for the last few days, carrying what we can carry on our backs. It’s terrible... Oh yeah, I stole some of Dad’s beer before we left. I couldn’t resist. Lately, I’ve been so depressed that I want to die so much. Teresa is usually with me to talk me out of it, but she’s not here now…So, well, I knew if I were to kill myself, I’d be leaving her behind and I don’t want to do that, so, Dad’s beer will have to keep me alive for now. It’s gonna’ have to.
Dear journal, It’s nearing the end of the summer now! We’ve been looking for jobs all summer but haven’t been able to find any—until now anyways. It seems like whenever we try to apply somewhere they refuse to let us work since…well I guess we’re considered homeless now. But, today, Mike suggested we see if we can stay at a hotel for a while since it’ll be getting colder out soon. Duh! Why didn’t we think of that before? We talked to the manager, and he agreed that as long as we work there, we can stay as long as we want (but they can choose to fire us if need be). That was totally unexpected! But, it’s really nice now. Oh yeah, Jimmy has been going out with his girlfriend a lot. It’s kind of annoying, but I guess I can’t say much, since I’ve been going out with Teresa as much as possible, too.
Dear journal, It seems like when we’re not working, all of us are gone somewhere. Jimmy spends a lot of time at his girlfriend’s house, I’m usually doing something with Teresa, and, Oh yeah…Mike’s got himself a girl! It’s weird. He’s never had a girlfriend before (and he’s 18!!)She seems nice though. Apparently she’s going to college for pharmacy here for a year, but she lives out of state. So, I don’t know what’s gonna’ happen with the two of them when she has to leave. I guess we’ll find out later.
Dear journal, It’s Jimmy’s birthday today! He’s 17, finally. Oh, and I’ll be 18 in a couple months. I can’t wait. Anyways, we’ve been here at this hotel for almost a year now. We haven’t heard from Mom either. I don’t even know if she knows we’re here. She probably wouldn’t care, though. By the way, Jimmy decided he’s going to move in with his girlfriend, who apparently is living with her sister in an apartment in the middle of town. That’s probably gonna’ turn into a disaster, but he’s sure it’ll work out. Hopefully it does, for both their sakes.
Dear journal, Mike’s girlfriend, Susie, is leaving today. She’s officially done with school now. Mike told me she was taking her last year here. Not really sure why. She’ll be leaving next week. Oh, and Mike proposed to her! That didn’t surprise me at all. They make a really good couple. So, like, they’ve been planning for a while, and decided they’re going to get married here and have a small wedding. Her family will come down, they’ll get married, move up to her hometown with her parents, get jobs, and then rent a house or something.
Dear journal, Mike and Susie are long gone. It’s so depressing now. Haven’t heard from Jimmy in a while either. Teresa graduated from high school (yay for her!), and she moved out…without telling her parents (so pretty much ran away). She’s been here for a day, and she wants to get out of town as soon as possible, just in case her parents go looking for her. The only thing is we don’t have a car, or a place—outside of this town—to stay. We called Mike and asked if he’d be willing to let us live with him, and, thankfully, he said yes! But, only for a little bit. Now the problem is figuring out how to get there. We’re going to see about taking a bus.
Dear journal, Me and Teresa are at Mike and Susie’s apartment! We took a bus, like we wanted to, but not before telling Jimmy first. Teresa thought I should tell Mom, but I highly doubt that she would have cared. I’m gonna have to start looking for another job soon. Mike says if we don’t have a job within two months max, they’re kicking us out. Gee, nice brother.
Dear journal, I’m working at McDonalds temporarily, but I found the perfect job! It’s about an hour south of here. There’s a construction company that would be perfect to work for (at least for me). Teresa likes the idea too. The only thing she’s worried about is she doesn’t think I can keep a job for very long if I’m gonna keep drinking…so, I guess I’m gonna try to stop. Anyways, we found a couple decent houses down there, but we don’t have the money for either of them, so we’re gonna keep working fast food here ‘til we get the money. It’s gonna take years at this rate.
Dear journal, I’ve been trying to quit with the drinking thing…but it’s not working too well. I’ve been so depressed lately and I don’t even know why! Half of me wants to crawl in a hole and wait ‘til I die, but the other half wants to keep going. I have no idea what’s up with me. I proposed to Teresa a few days ago (she knew it was coming), and I thought that would make me happier, but it hasn’t. It’s only gotten worse. We’re gonna’ get married in a couple months. Probably will be like Mike and Susie’s wedding, only smaller. So I dunno’ maybe marrying Teresa will make me happier. I hope so. She seems to think it will too. But I dunno. This whole thing is like a cycle. I crave beer but know I’m not supposed to touch it, so I’ll get depressed and want to die, drink ‘til I pass out, then it starts all over again. I hate it. So does Teresa. I hope it stops when we get married. This is so insane! I’ve never known so much about Dad’s past! I understand why he never talked about Mom very much…they used to be best friends…so in love. She practically gave up her entire life just to be with him, but then he messes up, he fails her, his life is turned upside down and…well…it must have been really hard to think about her. I almost regret asking him about her so long ago. Anyways, there was just one more specific journal entry that really stuck out to me. It was right after Mom left, and I think before Uncle Mike and Aunt Susie took me in, but I’m not sure.
Dear journal, I want…to die...I can’t believe what just happened…She’s gone. Teresa left. She’s gone. I can’t believe it!!! I messed up so much this time and there’s no fixing it now. She’s forgiven me a zillion times in the past but not this time…I want to die!!!! But nope, can’t do that. It’s too late. My son needs me. I don’t know how I’m gonna raise him, but I’m gonna have to somehow. Life has become like hell, but I can’t let that get in the way now. I have to give Jared the best life he could ever wish for. I messed up my life, and I’ve already messed up his. He’s gonna have to go his whole life with no mother. It’s one thing to be with no dad, but no mom? That’s even worse I bet. I have to be there for him. He needs me. Besides, he’s my only hope in life now--the only thing that’s keeping me from slitting my throat with a shiny little knife over in the kitchen. And that’s sounding really nice right now. But can’t do it. Gotta be there for him. I have no job or wife now, but gotta’ figure out some way to give him a good life. Gotta do it if it’s the last thing I do. Can’t let go now. I love him so much, and I’m gonna have to love him as long as I live, no matter what. Gotta figure out something…can’t give up...
We got through the first five journals during the first week. It sounds like they began when Dad was about thirteen, and ended after Mom left. During the second week, we read through the last four journals. Most of it wasn’t too exciting. It looks like he wrote a lot less after I was born, but he basically just wrote about his ‘new’ life, his job, me and Isaac, occasionally my friends but not a whole lot, Ralph, the business, sometimes Mom, and stuff like that. In the last journal, there was a bit of a change though. It started right after the one about the discussion between him and Ralph. It was weird. Like, before he’d often write about himself and how he was so depressed. But, after that, it changed. Here are some significant entries.
Dear journal, -sigh- I’m tired of these cycles! It’s like I’m trapped. I’ve come so close to quitting drinking, but it seems like no matter how close I get, I always fall back in! Thanks to Ralph and the discussion we had a few days ago, I fell back in again! I hate it! It’s like I’m stuck in these chains and no matter how hard I try, I can’t get them off! Today, Ralph talked about this man named Jesus. I’ve always thought He was just a good moral teacher or something. I’ve never actually understood this at all. Ralph told me he had the power to set anybody free from their chains of sin. He says He can forgive sins no matter how bad they are. I don’t understand though. Ralph believes Jesus is God, the one and only God, and he says God will condemn all sinners to hell because they justly deserve punishment for their sin, but then he turns around and says He can forgive us, set us free, and let us into heaven. How can He do that? I thought this God was supposed to be unchanging? Is He just and going to punish us, or merciful and going to set us free?
Dear journal, Ralph has been awesome lately. I’ve had so many questions and he’s been able to answer almost all of them. I asked him about the justice and mercy thing, and he said he told me before but apparently I didn’t quite get it. Before, he told me Jesus died on the cross for me. Well that wasn’t new info. I’ve heard that a lot. So I asked him to clarify and this is what he said. “God can be just and merciful with us at the same time, because even though we committed the crime—sinned—He came down in the form of Jesus Christ and paid our fine for us. That’s what He was doing when He died on the cross for us, and resurrected three days later. God poured out His entire wrath on Jesus—the wrath that we deserve. He promises that if we trust in Him and turn from our sins, He’ll forgive us! And that’s because we would be trusting in the merit of another: Jesus.” That’s where I got even more confused. I asked Him, if He thought Jesus is God and God came down to die for us, then how could He pour out His wrath on Himself? It made absolutely no sense. But, Ralph had an answer. He said something like, “You gotta’ realize that God is a Trinity--three persons in one God. I don’t understand it completely, and I doubt our tiny brains could ever comprehend this infinite God, but I do know that the Bible teaches over and over again that God is three persons—Father, Son, and Holy Spirit—but one God. I like to compare it to how time is, to satisfy my intellect. I don’t know if it’s right but it makes sense to me. Time is three distinct things—past, present, and future—but all one thing: time. I think that’s sort of how God is. What I suspect happened, is God the Son came down in the form of a human, Jesus. God the Father then poured out His wrath on Jesus while He was on the cross. So I know it’s confusing, but when you remember that God is a Trinity, it makes more sense.” …Ralph is right. That is confusing. But the ‘time’ thing sorta makes sense.
Dear journal, I’m so excited! I feel like a new man! Ralph said Jesus could set me free from my chains and last night He did!! I asked Him, so He did! I haven’t felt depressed all day! It’s just like…gone! It’s like God put it all in a box and took it away! I can’t believe it, it’s so awesome! I need to tell Jared…I somehow think he wouldn’t ever believe me though. He’d probably laugh hysterically…but I gotta’ at least try. He needs to know. Besides, if Jesus can do this with even someone like me, imagine what He could do with Jared! I love him too much to keep it from him…except I tremble even as I think about bringing it up…I don’t even know why, but I’m scared to death about it.
Dear journal, God has truly transformed me, even since last week. My desires have changed completely! Never once have I even considered touching that beer. Teresa would be proud if she were here…Plus, I’ve felt like I can really relax now and take a breather. I now know what my purpose in life is, and I can finally actually think about those big questions and not be afraid of them. It’s nice. Well, Jared, Isaac, and Aaron came over again this week. It’s been fun hanging out with them. Unfortunately I kinda’ sorta’ never brought up what happened with me. Just never got around to it I guess. Gotta do it some time though. Can’t procrastinate for ever.
Dear journal, Haven’t had very much time to write, but a lot has been happing lately. God has continued to transform me from the inside out. It’s awesome! I’ve also been pretty busy with the business lately. Oh and it sucks. Over Jared’s birthday, Ralph was too sick to be by himself, and since he has no family around here, I was the only one who could take care of him. I really wanted to go to Jared’s party, though., I promised him I’d go, and actually planned on it too. I hate myself for not going, but I couldn’t just leave Ralph. Besides, Jared understood I’m sure. I did end up sending him something special though. I’ve been wanting to talk to him about Jesus, but either the opportunity never came up, or I chickened out. That’s really easy to do…but, I sent him a Bible. I doubt he’ll read it. Might even hate me for it. But it’s better than nothing. At least he’ll have one. I know Mike and Susie have Bible’s around their house, but I thought it would be better if I sent one to him myself. It’s more personal. Anyways, I got a chance to go there the weekend after the party. That was when I broke the news. I was scared to death, but it was the perfect opportunity. Couldn’t have gotten any better. Besides, I couldn’t contain myself because I felt so happy about it. I told him what had happened to me…that is, that my depression is gone and I stopped drinking. Wanted to tell him the rest, but, I don’t know, I kind of…didn’t. Really scared I guess. I figured I’d have another time to tell him, though. There’s always Thanksgiving or Christmas. I don’t know. Unfortunately, Thanksgiving didn’t work out either. I was honestly about to bring it up on the way home from the mall, but didn’t get a chance. So I guess what I’ll do is email him before I leave tomorrow. Jared’s Christmas break has turned into me and Ralph’s Christmas break, because he always goes to visit family for a couple weeks, and I’ll always go to Mike’s for a couple weeks. It works out great. So after we close up tomorrow, we’re going to leave, and I’m going to have to email Jared the gospel or something. He might not like me for it…but if I don’t, who will? Mike and Susie are Christians too, but they’re not exactly the greatest at communicating with Jared about the serious things in life. At least that’s what Mike has told me. So I’m the one that needs to do this. And hopefully we can talk about it when I get up there…hopefully he’ll actually want to. And who knows, maybe Isaac will want to talk also. Apparently he’s been searching for Truth lately. So I’m gonna have to tell him. Anyways, Ralph, Mike, and Susie are praying for me. I hope everything will go as planned. It’s kind of funny…in a bitter sort of way. Here I am, with the greatest news in the whole universe. And yet, I’m scared to death to tell my own son about it. It’s sort of like…well, as an analogy, it’s like Jared’s house is on fire, and I know about it, yet I’m too scared to tell him he’s going to burn with the house if he doesn’t get out. Am I really that ruthless? I guess I’ll find out tomorrow…
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Fragile
Dec 4, 2008 18:31:01 GMT -5
Post by safaiax on Dec 4, 2008 18:31:01 GMT -5
I sat there, frozen, watching a tear trickle down my face. I didn’t know whether to be angry or depressed. “Jared?” “What,” I grunted. “…you alright?” Silence… In all honesty, I wasn’t alright. I was far from alright. Part of me wanted to cry my eyes out, part of me wanted to stab myself to get it over with, and part of me wanted to scream. Should I really let it out now? I thought. Eh, why not…I exploded. “How could Dad believe that crap!?! He wasn’t that stupid, was he??” I stood up and began pacing frantically. “I mean, seriously! How could anyone believe in that stuff? You’d have to be mindless! You know what? I think I know how. This whole god thing is just wishful thinking. Man created an idea of a higher power, called god. It’s just wishful thinking. People become what they think about the most. Trust me, I know. So they create this idea of a god, whatever idea they want. Then they think about it all the time and begin to act like their god, but it’s all wishful thinking! God is like a virus in fact. This idea get’s into your mind and infects you. And then when you have children, you tell them about this god and you brainwash them so they believe it too, and you’re convinced that you’re god really exists, but it’s all a figment of their imagination! No different then Santa Claus or the Easter bunny! How else could you explain it? Why else would anyone go around preaching about a god, especially the Christian god, whose s’pose to be all-powerful and loving at the same time? Have they ever watched the news? There’s so much evil and suffering in this world it’s not even funny!! Why would their god allow disease? Or what about natural disasters? Why would he allow the suffering of innocent children, the death of loved ones, or, or…If he really loves you, why would he have allowed that frick’n doctor to go and chop off your leg?! If he really loves this world that Christians say he created, why doesn’t he do something about it? Why doesn’t he stop it? Is he lazy? Is he that cruel? No, he’s just not real. People like to think he is, so they have hope, comfort, and purpose, but he’s simply not there, I bet.” I sat down, hot headed, and waited for a reply. “Jared…” Isaac slowly began. “I’ve been struggling with this stuff too. And the more I think about it, the more it bugs me. But, I realized there’s something very important that we’ve both missed. Where does suffering come from?” “All over the place.” “Most of the time it comes from evil. Right? I suffer because that doctor chose to do what he did. Innocent children suffer because of other people’s wrong choices. So many people in this world suffer as a result of evil—wrong choices—sinful choices—either their own or other people’s. Right?” “Yes, some times.” “So Jared, you say if a loving, all-powerful god existed, he would stop all the suffering, right?” “Yes.” “So for that to happen, he’d have to stop all the evil, right?” “Right…” “Right. So I’m gonna’ come at this from two directions. Okay?” “Kay…” “First, define evil.” “…Isn’t it obvious? It’s all around us! Why do we need to define it?” “No you don’t understand. What one person defines as evil, another might define as okay. We define the holocaust as evil. Right? But, Hitler probably didn’t. I define abortion as evil—as murder. But, I’ll bet’chya my birth mother thought it was okay. Right? You gotta’ define it before you rant about why god doesn’t fix it.” “Hmm…well then I guess it’s the opposite of goodness.” “Is it? What’s good then? Define that.” Are you serious? “Oh wow…” I’d be using circular reasoning if I said it’s the opposite of evil… “I’m not really sure. It’s hard to set an exact definition.” “Yep it is. So many people have their own standard of goodness. I’m sure we can both agree that there is a line between evil and good. There has to be. Otherwise you’d be saying there’s no difference between the Nazi’s deeds and Mother Theresa’s deeds. But, who draws it? Who sets the standard? Man can’t. We can’t decide amongst ourselves. We’ve tried and failed so many times. We can’t agree, and even if we could, our opinion changes with the wind. Ya’ know?” “Yeah.” “So, if there’s an absolute line between good and evil, someone has to draw it. There has to be an absolute authority, higher than man. We don’t have to agree with him, but that doesn’t mean anything. There still has to be one. So What I’m getting at is, if there’s evil, there has to be good, and if there’s good and evil, there has to be an absolute line—somewhere. And if there’s an absolute line, there has to be a line Maker. And without that line Maker, you’d basically be saying there’s no line between the Nazi’s deeds and Mother Theresa’s deeds and that they’re all the same.” “I guess that makes sense…” I never thought of that before.“Yeah. Now the second thing is this: Suffering often comes from evil, and evil from wrong choices. So, let’s say God was going to take away all the evil in the world so there’s no more suffering. Well, in case you didn’t realize, God considers lying to be evil. So, next time you decided to tell that little white lie that you don’t think will hurt anyone, God could either stop you from saying it, or stop the very thought of lying from entering your mind. God considers hate to be the same as murder. And don’t complain to me, ‘cause I didn’t make that up. But, next time you were going to hate someone, God would have to stop you by force. Also, when you go in my room and steal my IPod, which I’m sure you’ve never done, God would either have to force you to not do that, or stop that thought or that very desire from entering your mind, because in His view, stealing is morally wrong—evil. “And, let’s say God did that with everyone in the world. Every time someone wants to do something evil, God would stop that thought or desire from ever entering their mind. So what you’d have is a bunch of robots! We’d have no freedom! Or, let’s say God were to wipe out all the evil on earth, just for us. The Bible says all have sinned, and whether you agree with that or not, that means everyone is evil in God’s sight. Therefore, He’d have to wipe out everyone! Do you want that to happen? I seriously doubt this God of the Bible does.” “Yeah, I guess that makes sense too.” “Yeah. So I’m not trying to preach to you or anything, but I’m just saying—you gotta’ consider that stuff before you complain to the god you don’t believe in about the evil you can’t define. Ya’ know?” I sighed, half grinning. “I guess.” The two of us had finished reading all of the journals, and accomplished nothing else since the first day we started all of this. It was still depressing. Aunt Susie and Uncle Mike had been going through Dad’s stuff—which still felt weird—and after all the phone calls to Uncle Jim and Grandma and Grandpa Blake were made, we finally decided what we wanted to take with us, and that we’d leave most of the big stuff there, because me, Aaron, and Isaac would need it later. The three of us were still planning that in a year or so, we’d move in and help Ralph continue on with the business—but without Dad… very depressing. Isaac would have moved in immediately, but Uncle Mike and Aunt Susie practically forbid him to live on his own. I can understand that. Anyways, when all was finally done, it had taken nearly two weeks. Obviously Aaron and Ms. Evans didn’t go with us everyday, but when they did, Aaron was always at the shop with Ralph. ** That night, as I sank in my bed, I was loaded with questions. The entire rest of the day, after me and Isaac’s discussion, something began to almost gnawat me, at my mind. Isaac’s insight had definitely made sense, but it seemed more complicated than that. The idea of a god still hadn't seemed plausible to me for some reason. Maybe it was because I couldn’t feel him, or use any of my senses to detect him, so how could he exist? That’s how my logic went at the time anyways. And it made perfect sense to me. If people want to believe some kind of god exists, then have at it; they have more faith than I do, and I respect that. But, I just don’t want to stake my life on some kind of being that I can’t prove exists. I could never do that. It seems stupid to me. But, there was still something in me that didn’t want to let this issue go. I’d done that far too many times. When an issue like this came up, I’d just brush it off and get on with life, but this time, I couldn’t do that. I had so many questions. I didn’t understand how people could believe in god; not just the biblical god, but any god. How could people believe in the supernatural? I figure UFO’s are more probable than any supernatural being. Also, how can people believe in the Bible? I’ve heard stories from the Bible. I’ve heard that the Bible talks about a man who built an ark and put two of every single animal in the world on that ark, and then it rained for forty days and flooded the entire earth ! I’ve heard the Bible teaches people used to live to nearly a thousand years old, and tons of other far fetched things like that. Like, about an army that marched around a wall and made it fall down, and about people rising from the dead; about people doing miracles, about a man taken up into heaven by a whirlwind, and--this is probably my favorite--I’ve heard it even talks about dragons and unicorns! How senseless is that? The Bible may have some good stories, but most of them I’d call myths--pure fantasy. I don’t understand how anyone could honestly take the whole book seriously. I mean, I personally like fantasy a lot. I watch movies and play games and absolutely love fantastical creatures, but I’m not stupid enough to believe they’re real! I don’t know, I guess my philosophy is ‘when in doubt, look to science’. And I don’t mean I worship science or anything, but isn’t it obvious that the best way to know truth is to prove it scientifically? The way I see it, if truth can’t be proven scientifically, then it either can’t be known for sure or it’s not true. That’s one reason I don’t think I could believe in god, because if you can’t prove it using your senses, I don’t think it could be real. I still wanted to shrug these thoughts off, but something continued to nudge me, and made me want to dig a little deeper. I didn’t want to get religious or anything, but I thought that I could look into this whole god thing a little more. Maybe I could confirm my beliefs, or maybe there was something that I was totally missing that could change my point of view completely. I didn’t know for certain, but, as I slowly drifted into dream land, I made a note to myself to not forget what I had been thinking about that night. ** Mom, I thought as I opened my eyes and stared in the face of the bright morning sun which was shining through the window. I sat up, and cringed. Had another dream of Mom and Dad. I hate those dreams. I threw off the covers, shivered as the cold air hit my body, got out of bed, and swirled my blanket around myself like a robe. Much better. Another day…another boring, depressing, pointless day. No Dad...no Isaac...well okay, there’s Aaron. So I guess it’s not completely pointless. After going downstairs, I made some toast, sat down at the table, and ate--mindlessly staring at Isaac’s closed door, which was about ten feet in front of me. It was one of those times where you don’t really have anything on your mind. You just sort of sit and exist, going about your business. There was no sound in the house, except the crunching of my toast. Uncle Mike and Aunt Susie were no where to be seen--probably running errands or something--after all, I slept in until almost noon. As I sat there in silence, hunched over my plate of toast, covered in my blanket-robe, a thought came to mind. Isaac knows about religion a little bit. I wonder how he knows? For almost all my life, I had never known Isaac to be the religious type. I never even knew he thought about that stuff. I mean, it makes sense he does, but still. It bothered me. Did he learn about it on the internet? He’s always online. That seems like the best place to learn about it. As I stood up, I took my last bite of yummy toast, set my plate in the sink, and went into Isaac’s room. I flicked on the lights, and scanned the setting. To my right, was the desk and computer. Some feet in front of that, his bed. To my left, was his closet and a shelf full of books--lots of books--more than I realized Isaac had. Normally, I wouldn’t care, but Isaac never went to the store. Why did he have so many books? It didn’t make sense. I knelt down in front of the shelf and began reading the titles. Most were religious sounding titles. There were books about Mormonism--Eastern religions--Islam--Christianity--Judaism--Jehovah’s Witnesses--and many other topics, including Evolution and Atheism. Where did he get these? I thought. This was really interesting. I hesitated about picking one off the shelf to read. On one hand, I had questions, and I wanted answers. On the other hand, I hated reading. I knew I’d get bored if I attempted to read one of these, and I seriously didn’t want to get all religious here. It just wasn’t for me. Besides, even if I did try reading only a few of these, it would take ages--practically all summer! I figured if I spent three months reading books about religion, my brain would melt, or explode, or something…I didn’t want that to happen. So, I thought, what is it that I’m really wondering? What do I really want to know? I don’t want to do an intense study on all the religions of the world, that’s for sure. But, I do want to see about this god thing. I want to know how anyone could really, truly, honestly, and seriously believe in god. As far as I’m concerned, god is about as real as Santa Claus. I don’t get it. But then, there’s also the issue of which god …or goddess…or gods…or whatever. Eventually, I decided to start with the Bible that Dad sent me--so Christianity. I figured I might as well. Besides, deep down, I wanted to know if Dad was right, or if he was totally loony--or deceived. I didn’t want to believe he was loony. Dad was a very smart man. He wasn’t ever the type to always believe whatever he was told. He questioned. He thought for himself. He was not stupid. I figured, at the very least, maybe he was deceived. And for that matter, maybe Ralph was too, and maybe all the Christians have been deceived. That had to be it. I had to find out though. I had to find out if that book which so many people believe and take seriously, was true, or if it it's merely a collection of myths. It seemed obvious that it was the latter, but why would perfectly intelligent people like Dad believe it? I can’t even say that he was brainwashed either, like I believed so many other Christians were, because Dad was never raised in a religious home. What happened, then? Why did he suddenly believe it, even though, for like thirty eight years, he had never even read it? What was in that book that made it so believable?
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Fragile
Dec 4, 2008 19:41:20 GMT -5
Post by safaiax on Dec 4, 2008 19:41:20 GMT -5
(Aaron) The only thing I could think of doing this morning was calling Jared. I had to see how he was. The last two weeks must have been insanely hard for him. I had to make sure he was okay. I dialed the phone. “Hello?”“Dude, Jared, what’s up? Everything okay?” “Yeah, I guess. Why?”“Dunno, just wondering. It’s going to be really quiet around here now.” “Yeah, really.”“…Oh, yeah, and my mom has been trying to get me to get a job this summer. I guess I probably should. I kinda’ just want to go work at the shop though. That’s easier.” “Yeah. Have you talked to Ralph about that?”“A little bit.” “You should. See what he says. I might join you if it’s okay.”“Kay. So anyways, what are you doing? Mind if I come over? “Umm...I’m a little busy right now. Maybe later.”“Oh. Doing what?” “Reading.”I nearly burst out laughing. “You? Reading? Wow. That’s a change,” “Yeah, I know.”“Okay…” I grinned. “I’ll leave you alone then. Have fun.” “Kay, bye.”“See ya'.” As I ran to my room, to plug my phone in, I thought, What could Jared possibly be reading? Is he that bored? The only thing I’ve ever known Jared to read is the back summary of movies at the video store. Jared and books don’t go together. I hope he’s okay.(Jared) ** I wanted to tell Aaron what I was reading, but I didn’t want him to laugh at me ‘til the cows come home. And that’s what he would have done, too, I bet. I didn’t want him to know I actually picked up and read that Bible Dad sent me. But, luckily I didn’t have to. I spent hours reading the Bible. Most of it was pretty boring, but somehow, I stayed motivated. I read about the totally unscientific account of the origin of the universe—the creation story in Genesis. I read about the completely unscientific story of the flood. I read about wars, even that God supported; of so called ‘miracles’ being done; of prophets and their lives—some being pretty unbelievable—and of course about the birth, life, death, and resurrection of Jesus. I didn’t believe any of that though, and I didn’t know how anyone could. I mean, I’ve always figured Jesus was a good teacher, but that’s about it. I didn’t think he could be deity, even if he claimed to be. In fact, sometimes I wondered if he ever existed at all! Couldn’t someone just create a story like that, and convince people that it’s real? I don’t know, but I didn’t buy it for a second. Sure there are some good teachings in that book (and some bad), I thought. And there might even be some truth in there, but that doesn’t make it real. It reminded me of a story like Beowulf; there’s plenty of truth in that story, like that the Anglo Saxons were a real people, but the whole story is fiction. That’s how I sort of viewed the Bible. I couldn’t stop here though. I was still curious. Throughout the next couple days, all I did was eat, sleep, occasionally hang out with Aaron, and read this Bible. The more I read it, the more confused I got, and the more curious I became. I read about so many far fetched stories it’s not even funny. The thing that confused me even more, though, was the contradictions I found. There were obvious contradictions and I didn’t know how any honest Bible believing person couldn’t see them. I had heard there were contradictions in the Bible, but never read them for myself until now. It frustrated me. Anyways, let’s put this on hold right now. ** On Monday, Aunt Susie and Uncle Mike and I were eating around the dinner table, when Aaron called. He told me he had just gotten off the phone with Ralph, and he said it would be great if we went down there for the summer to help out. Ms. Evans approved it, and now Uncle Mike and Aunt Susie had to approve it. “So whatch’ya think?” I asked after explaining the idea. “That’s a great idea!” Aunt Susie said, smiling in approval. “Yes, but there is one thing,” Uncle Mike started. “You’re probably gonna’ be needing a license, won’t you?” “Yeah. And a car.” “Yep. When ya’ gonna get it? You started driving, but then just kind of stopped.” “I don’t know. I can’t wait ‘til I get my license before I go down there. That’d take too long…I’ll go without it then drive more when we come back up, so I can take segment two, and get my license next year.” “Alright. Gotta’ make sure you’re driving though.” “I know. Maybe I’ll be able to get it around Christmas time…hint, hint!” I grinned. Aunt Susie piped in, grinning. “Oh, no. Just because I’m a pharmacist doesn’t mean we have all the money in the world. We’re all ready paying for two houses—one being your house, I might add. You gotta’ buy yourself your own car.” “Aww…darn. It was worth a try though.” “Nice,” Uncle Mike grinned. So, eventually, we planned it out that Uncle Mike would take Aaron and I down to…well I just call it Dad’s house even though it’s sort of split between Uncle Mike and Ralph…but in my mind, it’ll always be Dad’s house. But anyways, we went down there and Uncle Mike stayed for a couple hours, mostly to have lunch and talk to Isaac and Ralph. For the rest of the day, Isaac and Aaron went to work in the shop while Ralph and I stayed at the house. ** Actually, it was pretty fun the whole summer. We would rotate every few days. Ralph almost always stayed at the house, but the three of us would rotate. Sometimes, I’d stay, and sometimes I’d go with either Aaron or Isaac. It never got boring. As for the whole Bible reading thing, I had to put it on hold, because I wasn’t about to bring any of that stuff up here. I didn’t want Aaron to laugh at me, and I didn’t want Ralph to preach at me. Well, okay, there was this one time that I brought it up, but it was when me and Isaac were both home alone. It was one of those rare times where Ralph decided to go to the shop. Normally, we would both be busy in the basement, but we were sort of in a pickle right now. We didn’t have enough business, and we didn’t want to have too much of a surplus, so Ralph said we could have the day off today. He talked about putting some stuff on sale soon, so that’s probably why he went in that day. ** I came up from the basement—I was just messing around on the wheel—and I saw Isaac in the living room, laying on his stomach on the floor, reading something. “Whatch’ya reading?” I asked. “A book.” “No, really?” I said sarcastically, slightly annoyed at his vagueness. “What’s it called I mean?” “You probably wouldn’t be interested.” “How do you know?” He looked up, half grinning. “...I’ve lived with you for how many years? Trust me, I know.” “Fine,” I grunted, collapsing in one of the easy chairs, waiting in silence for something to happen. “You know that conversation we had last week? That really did get me thinking.” “Did it? That’s good. Thinking about what?” “Umm…lots of stuff I guess.” “Hmm…okay…did it convince you of anything in particular? Like uh….that there is a god, maybe?” “...no.” “Why not?” “Well…I mean you made a good point with the whole absolute moral line and everything…but I think we can get past that. I think we all make our own moral ‘lines’.” “So you think everyone can make their own standards?” “Yeah, pretty much.” He set his book aside and propped himself up on his elbows. “So basically you’re saying…well let’s use abortion as an example, just for the fun of it. You’re saying if someone decides to abort their baby, then that’s okay, but only if it goes along with their moral standard, right?” “Maybe…I mean not to me, but--“ “No not to you, of course not, but to her it is. Right?” “I guess…” “What makes it okay for her?” “Umm…” “Is it because she chooses? I mean that’s why they’re called pro-choice, right? They have the right to choose what they want to do with their body.” “Well, that’s how their logic goes.” “Right. Man, do you mind if I rant for a minute before I lose my train of thought?” I grinned as I sat back, flolding my arms. “Go ahead.” “You know what I think about the pro-choice idea?” “What?” “I think that if someone really wants to be pro-choice, they should give the baby a choice, too. That would really do it. Give the baby a say in it. Then they’d be pro-choice all the way!” “Yeah, except the point with the pro-choice view isn’t about choice all around, it’s about themselves I think. They have a choice to do with their body what they want. “Hmm…Well, yeah, and that would be fine if it was their body that they wanted to abort, but it’s not! Especially if the child is a male…ya’ know?” I grinned. “That’s true, I guess. But if you told ‘em that, they’d make all these justifications and be all ‘well what if the child is a financial burden’, or ‘what if the woman was raped’, or whatever. What would you say to that?” “Easy. First of all, every child is a financial burden. You were, I was, everyone, no exception. Even the woman who wants to abort her child was once a financial burden, but that didn’t stop her parents, now did it? In fact, she might still be a financial burden even at her age. But if she was raped, then kill the rapist and not the baby…Duh. Man, talk about ‘liberty and justice for all!’” “What if they said the baby isn’t a human being? That’s what some people think.” “Oh that hurts…I’d probably say something like ‘If it’s not a human being, than what kind of being is it?’ It’s just not fully developed. Some people might think babies aren’t human until they have a brain, but what are they before they have a brain? Just a clump of cells? No, they’re still completely human; Just not completely developed. In fact if you want to go with that logic, they wouldn’t be completely human until they’re like twenty years old, because that’s about when they’re completely developed. It’s not that they aren’t human, it’s that they need time to develop into a fully grown human. “Meanwhile, when they’re still in the womb, they have no say in what happens to them. But, when they’re older, they have both the say to do it, and to not do it to their own child. See, when I was little, my birth Mom had the upper hand; she had the choice. But, that doesn’t make her choice morally okay. Remember those guys that were going to bring guns to school? They had the choice to shoot everyone, but that doesn’t make their choice right. In fact, I guarantee that every murderer had the choice to murder. They didn’t have to but they chose to. Every rapist had the choice to rape, and every thief had a choice to steal. Nobody forced them. They just chose to. But does that make their choice okay?” “I guess not…” “That’s right. But, according to you’re logic, if they were okay with it, then that made it right, regardless of your opinion or mine. Now what if those guys at school really did succeed in their massacre? We both would have said ‘no, that’s not right’, but would they have cared? Psh! No, of course not. Why would our opinions matter more than theirs? They were the ones with the guns; they had the upper hand that time. Our opinions wouldn’t have mattered to them one bit.’ “Hmm…” “And, you know, that’s how it is with everyone. If your logic is right, then the only opinion that matters are those with the upper hand. I mean, why would our opinions matter more than the biggest, best, smartest, wisest people around? They wouldn’t. Sure everyone is entitled to their own opinion, and, if your logic is right, everyone is entitled to drawing their own line, but when you’re up against the strongest, smartest, and ‘best’ people out there, then your line means nothing. It’s just a little pencil mark in the whole big picture of life. It doesn’t mean anything. So, what you would end up with, is the philosophy of ‘might makes right’. That means, the only people that decide where the line really is, are the ones with the upper hands. The rulers—the leaders—the guys with the guns—the top dogs—the people with the most power. Ya’ know? And then it becomes a society where man rules man all the way around, and if they want to wipe out the whole human race, that’s certainly an okay thing to do. It just depends on what their opinion is.” I sat in silence. His logic made sense, but I didn’t like it. “Hmm…well that’s what happens today, though.” “Yeah, most of the time it does. But again, that doesn’t make it right.” “Yeah, I guess not…” “Oh and by the way, you can say all you want that it’s wrong to wipe out the human race, and I can say all I want that abortion is wrong, but ask yourself this: what authority do you have to decide right from wrong—especially when compared to someone like a king, a dictator, or the president? You have none. If you have no higher authority to back up your moral claims, then you have no leg to stand on. And that’s because, once again, might makes right. But, if we did have some higher authority, such as a god or a book that a god gave us, then man’s opinion can be considered either right or wrong, and that higher authority would be the judge. But if there is no god—no judge—then man is the highest authority who makes all the rules, all the judgment calls, and might will always make right.” “Hmm…” It really did make sense—at least the part that he proposed. I just had a hard time accepting the reality of a god unless it could be proved scientifically. “So I take it you believe in god?” “Yeah. I know there has to be one out there.” “Why do you believe?” “Well, what we’ve just been talking about is one reason.” “But, why else? Can you prove that there’s one?” I was extremely curious. “Not right now, no. But hopefully soon.” “So do you think you’ll be able to scientifically prove there’s a god? Think it’s possible?” “Actually…” he grinned, slightly. “That’s kind of what I’m reading about now. But, you want proof, right?” “Yep. I won’t believe unless there’s proof.” “Well then, I’ll tell you what. You do your homework, and I’ll do mine, then we’ll compare answers later, okay?” Aww…that means I actually have to do research? That sounds pretty boring. “Oh, fine…I guess.” Suddenly, I just remembered something I had to tell him. “Oh by the way, you’d be proud of me.” “Why?” “Before we came here, I was actually reading the Bible Dad sent me.” “Oh wow! That’s a shocker. What’d you think?” “What did I think? Well, I think…it’s pretty much bull…” “Why?” “Lots of reasons—too many in fact. I don’t get how anyone could take it seriously. “ He shrugged. “Do your research. I’m doing mine. I’m pretty impressed with it too. I mean, I don’t know if I believe all of it, but I’m still impressed.” “Hmm…okay.” ** That was just a highlight. It happened sometime in July. At the end of that week, Ralph and I went home from the shop one day and told Aaron and Isaac what was happening around there. See, for the last few weeks, we hadn’t been getting enough business, and since we kind of needed the money, we had no choice but to put almost everything on sale. Ralph had been going in to regulate all of that, and occasionally negotiate prices, and the last couple days, it had been really busy; so busy, that we needed to get to work as fast as we could on restocking. On July thirty-first, we had to make a decision. We would be pretty busy in the following few weeks, and we didn’t think we would be able to go home for our birthdays. We had to stay. It was kind of depressing when we told the parents, but they assured us it was okay; apparently, they suspected that we’d be staying anyways. It was still depressing though. I guess those days are long gone now, I thought after we told them. There’s no turning back to childhood. I mean, the fact that we haven’t seen Angie, Monica, and Freddy in ages certainly helps; and as for Dad…well…I don’t even want to think about that. My heart shattered on that unspeakably terrible day. Isaac put it back together as best he could, but it’s only a matter of time, now, before it gives. I wonder how long it’ll take. More importantly, I wonder if there will be anyone to put it together again. I can only hope.
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